Emily Faye Oakley

Big things are happening for Patty & Emily!

2010-03-16T00:36:00.000-07:00

First off if you haven't already seen it watch our video Googling Kate Baldwin....

Then take a stroll over to Kate Baldwin's fan page on Facebook and take a little looksie at her videos... you might want to be sitting down when you watch.

HORRIFIED!!!

2010-01-27T19:46:00.001-08:00

Everyone please take a few minutes and write to Pat McGovern the chairperson of Ballinrobe Musical Society who did a production of Ragtime with an entirely WHITE cast many of whom appeared in black face. I wrote an email expressing my absolute disgust with this company. How the fuck can anyone think this is ok!?!?!?!?!? None of the people involved should be allowed in a theatre EVER!

Here is a link to email the chairperson

I DON'T FUCKING BELIEVE THIS SHIT!!!!!!!

Patty & Emily taking over the interweb!

2010-01-21T18:00:00.000-08:00

Hi Friends!
I've got three spankin new videos for you to enjoy

If you haven't already... SUBSCRIBE!! And leave us some comments cuz we loves them so much!

I know this is early

2010-01-15T21:29:00.001-08:00

But I just want to give some early nom predictions/wishes because I can't stop thinking about it

Christiane Noll
Kate Baldwin
Cheno
Bebe
Zeta-Jones

without having seen the last three I'm saying right now that I want Christiane to win.... but that's bound to change when I see Cheno. Christiane deserves it though, and side note I would LOVE to see Kate play Mother in Ragtime.

Alright ramble over. Goodnight

I saw Bye Bye Birdie tonight and it made me think...

2010-01-02T22:28:00.000-08:00

about how much I love Gina Gershon. And by love I mean would like to have sex with. I saw Bound when I was 15 and if seeing Carrie Fisher in a gold bikini didn't make me gay enough this sure and shit sealed the deal

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EceT6XUMpI4&NR=1

All of a sudden I'm obsessed with Reba

2009-11-05T19:49:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure what happened... I had one album which I liked and then randomly had the opportunity to see her perform for free twice this week and now I'm in love. It was actually kind of amazing because this is totally different from any other experience I've had falling in love with a singer's voice. Usually I listen and listen and listen and then finally get to see them live but with Reba I hardly knew/know any of her stuff but I saw her live and it blew my freakin mine! Shmazing! I mean seriously!

Everyone should watch the CBS coverage of the Thanksgiving Day Parade to see Reba perform and maybe see me in the audience!

I actually cannot stop listening to this song. It's like oxygen to me right now

What does Cher Barbie want? Equality! When does she want it? 30 years ago!

2009-10-12T21:09:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I went to the National Equality March in DC, thanks so much to Broadway Impact for making that possible. I was on the Billy Elliot bus which was pretty rocking! I think I slept through most of both bus rides. The March was absolutely amazing. So many fucking people! It was really special. And the rally itself was phenom! Every single speech was so inspiring not to mention we got to see Lady motherfucking Gaga! I'm going to post of video soon and perhaps tell more when I'm not so god-damn exhausted but for now enjoy the pictures!

Emily's Cher extravaganza 2009

2009-10-06T21:26:00.000-07:00

Alright if you didn't already know... I'm seeing CHER MOTHER FUCKERS. Cher! I can't even deal with how excited I am. On November 19th a mere 43 days from now I will sit 11th row center and see the Cher show in Vegas baby! I can't deal with how excited I am about this. It's pretty much all I can talk about. I work I put a special note on my tip jar to let everyone know that I'm saving all my tips for Cher. I also decorated a special can to hold all my saved Cher money. I even brought Cher barbie into work one day and displayed her in the tip jar, EPIC

I'm bringing Cher Barbie with me to work again tomorrow so after my shift I can take her to the photobooth at KMart and have a mini-photo shoot. Super excited about that. Um what else Cher related content do I have? I bought a t-shirt on ebay that says "I'd rather be at a Cher concert" so waiting for that to come in the mail... oh and I'm planning a Cher tattoo

Yes you read me right, I'm getting Cher's name tattooed on my body. What my idea right now is to have "Cher" on my ass and standing on the lettering would be something like this

That's the Barbie and but I like the pose and outfit she's wearing. Although I want it to be the truly authentic If I Could Turn Back Time outfit

Which lead one of my roommates to suggest that I have Cher posed so that her back was facing out and then have her looking over her shoulder. So I'd have Cher's ass tattooed on my ass. I haven't decided what I like best yet. And of course then there is the whole discussion with my best gay about my Diva Sleeve as he has named it. He wants me to get a sleeve with all my fav Divas, which I'm so into. I just want to make sure I pick the right images and of course it's a total pipe dream because if I'm gonna do it I want it done right and I don't have that kind of money now. but anyway he wants me to use a bunch of sexy pictures of the Divas like these...

The Diva Sleeve will happen... someday. and I want it to include. Dolly, Barbra, Bernadette, Cher, Liza, Patti and Judy for sure. I could throw in a little Kristin but I'm not sure.. my arm is only so big.

I actually went through the 5 stages of Grief over 9 to 5 closing

2009-09-21T19:59:00.000-07:00

Legit I did. I joked about this for a while and then today it really hit me that I really went through all the stages. A while back Pat Resnick's Facebook status was something like "In the stages of grief I'm planted firmly in denial" or something along those lines and I remember thinking, oh fuck yeah so am I. Then I actually looked at a list and deconstruction of what the stages were and hell if I didn't go through each one of those stages.

1. Denial. Oh big time. I was at work when I found out the show was closing. I was texting with a friend who is also bananas for the show and she said something about having to see it before September 6th to which I asked, Why what's happening then? I had just gone downstairs to use to bathroom when I read her text. "The show is closing" Before even being able to securely lock myself in the bathroom I was flipping out, mental and physical. I'm not going to say I had a panic attack because it wasn't anything as intense as a full on panic attack but it was like a mini-panic attack shall we say. Some light hyperventilating a few quick tears, a pee and I had to push those feelings aside and get back to work. I had a lot of panicked thoughts "No, No, NO this can't be happening!" The next few day or maybe it was weeks.

2. Anger. Perhaps my Denial and Anger were crammed together for a while because I remember that day or maybe the next updating my status to be something like "I call for the arrest of Ben Brantly for the murder of 9 to 5 The Musical" I could not stop talking about what an asshole he was and how horrible his review was and how unfair and how it was totally all his fault.

3. Bargaining. Now this is the part I'm not so proud of. After closing was announced I started Second Acting the show... a lot. I really could not tell you how many times I second acted that show. More than a dozen less than 20.... I think.... I really don't know. All I know is if I wasn't doing anything that night, I was in the city and it was within an hour of the second act starting I was there. I had to see it, I had to. Most of all I had to hear Stephanie J Block sing Get Out And Stay Out live as many times as I possibly could, I was, and still am convinced that her singing that song is one of those epic theatre moments. The kind of thing people will talk about years from now when Steph is a huge star and has a bunch of great shows under her belt, there will be the few of us who got to hear her sing that song, in that show.

4. Depression. I got a wall post a bit before the show closed saying "One week and three days until the saddest day of your life." That whole week I walked around in this cloud. I was doing things like working and hanging out with people but all I was really thinking about how was deviated I was and would be on closing night. Oh have I not mentioned that I got about 5 or 6 wall posts on the day they announced closing from people wanting to know if I was ok? If I was ok, me the fan. People were worried I was having a break down or something. And well, I was.

5. Acceptance. I think it happened a few days after the closing night that I realized, really that yes my life will go on without 9 to 5 the Musical. The day of closing I had to work the morning shift and had about 2 hours of sleep by the time I got to the show I was already physically drained, ready to be emotionally drained. But then I wasn't. The show is just so god damn good and funny that I found myself sniffling at a few points but not sobbing my face off like I had at Gypsy closing night and how I'd thought I would be.

I think the most profound moment or moments of the night where with Stephanie J Block (surprised? probably not) At the beginning of 'I Just Might' I nearly lost it. I mean shit if that song wasn't describing Steph's life. "What to do and where to start,/ Things are falling all apart,/ Trying hard to move ahead,/But keep losing ground instead." Hello, thus us her life. And the whole audience could feel that it was really hitting her hard. Take it from a person who saw the first act 10 times, SJB was a million times more emotional that night than ever before. So right when I'm ready to burst into my big ol' ball of tears the song keeps going and for the first time I really, really listened to the lyrics. "Still, I have to take a chance,/Putting fear and doubt aside,/Had no warning in advance,/Nothing left to do but try./And I just might make it work,/I just might make it after all,/I just might rise above the hurt,/Though I've suffered quite a fall" And just like the song moves on and Judy moves on, Steph pulled it together and kept on with the song. Beautiful.

Then the actual most profound moment of the night, greater than but not possible without the previous mentioned moments. During 'Shine Like The Sun' Steph actually has the line "I'll be fine" with near glee and joyful abandonment Steph opened her arms and sang that line. For a moment it was as if the entire audience was living in the same heart beat. Scattered cheers could be heard from around the theatre but most of all it was the feeling, that intangible feeling that every person in that room was with her, we got it, we felt for her and it was amazing.

Enjoy and don't sue me! I couldn't resist!!

Later than night when I finally got home I lay right down on my bed and sobbed uncontrollably for a few minutes, I fell asleep on top of the covers in my clothes and awoke the next morning feeling almost hung over from crying.

Right now I think I'm not "over it" as that implies that I no longer care. I've accepted it. I've accepted that while 9 to 5 consumed a very large and joyful part of my life for the last 6 or 7 months and it has ended. My life is still moving. And hey I can always fly to Nashville next year for the opening of the tour.

Kathy Griffin's book blew my mind grapes!

2009-09-10T21:55:00.000-07:00

Seriously her book is so good. I just finished reading it about ten minutes ago and I want to read it again. Or I wish it was three times as long so I could keep reading. Ok look I read a lot of celebrity autobiographies and I love them but let's be real, they never put nearly as much as you want them too. I read Kristin Chenoweth's book and are you freakin kidding me with what she says about Idina Menzel. Puuuuleze, in one paragraph she just said "we're professionals" and that she didn't hate her. that's it!! Kathy of course let's it all hang out in the best ways. She let's you know EVERYTHING. Body issues growing up and now, the exact dets about her husbands stealing $72,000 from her!!! She really shows her emotions which I love.

I'm so frustrated with this feeling you get in the comedy world where you're not allowed to be sad, and if you are sad you're only allowed to talk about it if you can make it funny. I think this is part of why I'm so drawn to musical theatre because it can both show intense emotions and make you cry from laughing. Case and Point End of Rose's Turn in Gypsy. That song is so god-damn intense and makes you cry for Rose and everything she wants and know she will never have. It's a painful song and then boom "Just trying out a few ideas you might want to use" Every time it was the biggest laugh of the night. But being around the UCB scene it was like feeling bad without being funny doesn't exist. Legit in my storytelling class we were told that if you're not over something you can't tell a story about it because it won't be funny. Which I get when you're going to a comedy show you don't want to hear my still painful story about how I'm in love with a girl who broke my heart 5 years ago but it does sometimes make me feel like I have to hide any negative emotions when I'm around those people. Like I can't have a serious heart to heart with them. I don't know just something I've noticed.

This is why I love Kathy's book so much, because she is fucking hilarious in it but there are parts where she gets really serious and says look this isn't funny, it's serious shit and this is what went down. Mostly with the stuff about her brother and her marriage. But I really appreciate and admire her ability cut through all the bullshit and be so honest and so personal. I think this book has a much wider audience than the gays and girls. So fucking buy the book!!! And don't even ask to borrow my copy! Buy your own goddamnit! Support women in comedy! Support Kathy!!

Today I tweeted to Oprah the following "@Oprah You should read @officialkathyg's book!!! and put it in the book club!! it's amazing!!" Let's make it happen! Everyone tweet Oprah about Kathy's book!!!

Also when Sarah and I were taking our picture with her the girl was having trouble with the phone camera and Kathy said "Oh those Iphones they're so temperamental just like Paula Abdul" EPIC

This is by far the greatest thing in the world

2009-08-10T14:34:00.000-07:00

'Change It' from the Broadway musical '9 to 5'

I can't decide if my favorite part is the turquoise umbrella, the tiny guitar or her elbowing the cardboard cut out of herself

Patty & Emily

2009-07-29T01:32:00.000-07:00

Check out this awesome video I made to document Patty's and my crazy Saturday night out. And by crazy I mean not that crazy, but crazy for Patty and I.

Oliver & I have a very lively text message history

2009-07-22T01:56:00.000-07:00

I've got some questions for Cher & Stephanie J Block

2009-07-22T01:55:00.000-07:00

Another example of what a showboater Ethel Merman was, geeez

2009-07-22T01:42:00.000-07:00

My reaction to Harry Potter & The Half Blood Prince in pictures

2009-07-15T23:18:00.001-07:00

Although not necessarily a Harry Potter fan, I loved going to midnight showings

One of the previews we watched was for Where The Wild Things Are, which made me a little teary

About 10 second into the movie I wasn't sure whether I'd seen the last one

Suddenly I was really confused as to what was going on

The word tosser has a whole new meaning now that there are also [tossers]

Dumbledore picked up a copy of Knitting Magazine... FAG

I wished this movie had more Helena Bonham Carter because she is a hottie

I <3 Maggie Smith, she reminds me of my Gramma

Emma Watson is still acting with just her eyebrows

At one point Dumbledor told Harry that Slubhorn wanted to "collect" him, since I already felt that the intended father/son dynamic between the two felt more like some kind of homo-erotic sugar daddy/baby type situation, this comment just made it sound like Harry was going to be sold into gay sex slavery

Malfoy's well taloired suits and slicked back hair made him look really gay, he reminded me of Jason Long's character in Zack & Miri Make A Porno. In fact this whole movie was super super super gay

At about the 75% point I zoned out for a while and thought about 9 to 5 The Musical

The movie could have used a stretch break

Seriously why the fuck hasn't Harry gotten some new frames? It's a little, no it's a lot ridiculous that he's still wearing those ugly ass circles

Malfoy is going to kill Dumbledor! OMG

NO! It was Snape! Double OMG

How I felt about The Full Monty in pictures

2009-07-13T12:41:00.000-07:00

First when I got to Penn Station I found out I'd missed the earlyer train and would have to wait an hour for the next one. AND I got confused while buying my ticket and paid three times what I needed too. No refunds the woman behind the counter told me

During my hour long train ride to Millburn New Jersey I watched Yentl on my ipod

Finally I made it to the Papermill Playhouse! However as soon as the curtain went up I remembered I was seeing The Full Monty, as a lesbian this suddenly seemed like a really bad idea

As the show went on I found myself thinking the show was bland and I didn't like that it seemed to be making fun of musicals although it is a musical and it's not good enough to poke fun at the genre

Finally Elaine Stritch was in a scene! The whole reason I'd come!
The lead wasn't a very good singer

During intermission I moved to the empty front row stage right

The first number in the second act was Elaine's!!!!! and I was in the front row for $25!!! muahahaha
As soon as Elaine's number ended the usher told me I couldn't sit in that row because the actors needed it. I awkwardly got up and moved ten row back to a seat on the aisle

The rest of the show sucked, it was made worse by the looming possibility of naked men accosting me from the aisle
A moment of hope for the show appeared when Ethan and Malcolm's hands met on Ethan's knee

Then the woman next to me, followed by several people around me started muttering things like "uh oh" and "oh noooo"

During the final number I considered covering my eyes but that felt rude so I just looked up and away

NOT SAFE FOR WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-07-10T22:46:00.000-07:00

I think this is the most hilarious bit of porn I've ever seen, just the fact that something like this exists tickles me.

again REALLY REALLY NOT SAFE FOR WORK

after my third viewing I'm thinking what's the deal with the Beast's line of hair on his dick? And why is Belle's vag hair so well kept?

woo woo!

2009-07-05T23:17:00.000-07:00

I'M GOING TO THE MOTHERFUCKING TONYS

2009-06-06T20:02:00.000-07:00

yeah so life has been really busy but I took time out on Wednesday night and all of Thursday to be apart of the first ever Student rush lotto for the Tonys. I'll update more later but for now enjoy more of me on youtube!

I'm crowning myself the gayest man alive

2009-05-30T22:08:00.000-07:00

OK so!! Really exciting! Today I was looking for flights to go to Oregon for my friend's wedding and I realized that her wedding is on August 8th and Bette Midler's Vegas show opens on the 11th! So I started thinking hmmm I could go to the wedding and then fly to Vegas by myself for a few days and see Bette! Wooo So I called my mother and told her the plan and she mumbled that she thought Bette in Vegas would be fun but not in August and that maybe the two of use could go on a separate trip together in say November for when the show closes. I got mad excited and started drooling all over Bette's website when I had a thought, "Wasn't Cher just in Vegas?" Yes, Yes she was. And you know what motherfuckers!!?!??!?!?!? She's going back on NOVEMBER 19th. Therefore NOTHING and I mean fucking NOTHING in this world will keep me from Las Vegas from November 15th to the 19th when I will be seeing Bette and Cher motherfuckers! I die I just die

Also if I do see these shows, WHICH I WILL unless I'm dead seriously I will be there, I'll have seen just about every DIva this year. Seriously. I'll have seen Patii LuPone, Liza Minnelli, Bernadette Peters, Kristin Chenoweth, Dolly Parton, Bette Midler, and Cher. All in one year. wowza! The only lady I'm missing is Barbra.

Swine Flu Porn

2009-05-27T22:02:00.000-07:00

It exists! Check it out. Obviously Not Safe For Work!! But hilarious!!!!

This would totally have gotten me to watch FRIENDS if I wasn't already

2009-05-24T19:37:00.000-07:00

The most amazing thing to find on youtube at 2am

2009-05-18T09:51:00.000-07:00

seriously I'm obsessed

Yes Val, and He has your circuitry

2009-05-13T21:42:00.000-07:00

So my only required class this semester is a academic essay writing class focused on, wait for it, comedy. For my final paper I have to write a 3000 word essay picking apart a piece of "comedy" and basically explain and analyze why it's funny. The week we were choosing our topics just so happened to be the same week I bought Heartbeeps and watched it three times in about four days. So naturally I choice Heartbeeps to be my work of "comedy" to analyze. Right now I've got 1400 words, I need 2000 by 8am. I was just reading over my intro paragraph because my teacher told me he couldn't tell if I was being sarcastic or not and that maybe I should rewrite it. I'm not gonna lie I was half drunk when I wrote my rough draft a few weeks ago and I haven't really worked on it since then, and I have no plans on rewriting the drunkenly written opening paragraph to my academic analysis of Heartbeeps. Tell me what you think?

"In the late 1970s an epic comedic team joined forces to create the sidesplitting sci-fi comedy Heartbeeps. Those involved would go on to work on such comedy giants as Caddyshack II, The Goodbye Girl: The Musical, Brokeback Mountain and six episodes of Quantum Leap. The brilliant and wildly successful ad campaign for the film put the villain, CrimeBuster Deluxe at the forefront. Posters for the film featured the CrimeBuster Deluxe announcing his urgent bulletin to small woodland creatures, “WANTED: Be on the lookout for this gang of misfit robots.” The robots in question? ValCom 17465 played by the supposed late Andy Kaufman, AquaCom 89045 played by the golden delicious Bernadette Peters, Philco Spareparts voiced by Jerry Garcia (yes the one you’re thinking of) and Catskil 55602 voiced by some dude named Jack Carter.
The film would receive such acclaim as receiving an Oscar nomination and having one of its stars announce on Letterman that they were willing to pay back anyone who went to see it. The Oscar for Best Make-Up artistry was lost to Rick Baker for An American Werewolf in London and Kaufman would “die” before any moviegoers got their money back. While most are quick to dismiss the film as 1980s sci-fi fluff the underlying themes of gender role conformity stand the test of time as an example of America’s obsession with masculine and feminine qualities in both sexes."

G-A-S-P GASP

2009-05-13T09:02:00.000-07:00

A few nights ago I was walking to the L from work and decided to stop in this weird little record shop on St Marks. It was really narrow which was annoying because all the crates with $1 records were on the floor so I was kneeling down to look through them and every time someone wanted to get past I had to get up and move and boo that's annoying then you're trying to find a $1 copy of the original recording of Oklahoma! on vinyl. Also thank GOD for that $1 section because I absolutely hate paying more for old Broadway records when you know the person selling them has no idea what they've got. I once picked out a bunch of records from this place on Bleeker near 6th ave and when I went to pay the guy told me the total was something like $40, I told him that was fucked because most of the records I'd picked out had $1 written directly on the cover. He told me that wasn't a price it was a cataloging technique. BULLSHIT I told him, it was the price he must have paid from whatever salvation army he got it from. Then he starts going on about how all these records are very rare and that's why they cost so much, also BULLSHIT I told him considering one of the records I wanted to buy was Evita with Patti LuPone which I already own two copies of. Both of which I got for 50 cents. Whatever, don't go to that little record place on Bleeker near 6th Ave the guys is an asshole and he'll try to rip you off.
Anyway so I spent like 20 minutes going through the $1 records at this place on St. Marks, I picked out Follies in Concert, an old Julie Andrews solo album, an old Judy album, and a Liza. Oh the other thing that was kind of weird/annoying about this place was that they weren't playing any music?? In a music store?? Whatever! That just meant that when I got to this album

and G-A-S-P gasped, everyone in the shop turned at looked at me like I was crazy. But hey come on now, it's Dolly. and the record is in super good condition. Also how freakin' adorable is she in these photos!

I want to be this when I grow up

2009-05-12T21:31:00.000-07:00

And so it begins....

2009-05-06T21:23:00.000-07:00

I've started posting responses on the BroadwayWorld message board. oy. I just posted this responce in a thread entitled "Why does 9 to 5 have more credibility than Rock Of Ages"

"I have not seen ROA so I won't comment on it but I have seen 9 to 5 several times and it's phenomenal. It's a big production gorgeous broadway musical. I personally love a big musical with fantasy scenes and glitter. love it. LOVE IT. also the performances in 9 to 5 are incredible. Stephanie J. Block is a legend in the making, not to mention Megan Hilty! And the music is so amazing, especially considering it's Dolly's first broadway show. I loved each song and thought Dolly did an amazing job getting inside each characters head and writing for them.

I don't understand why people have a problem with big shows? And why is there something discrediting about a so called "tourist show" Shows that are now considered "tourist shows" were once called brilliant, and then they became popular and nobody likes them???????? I'll never understand people's obsession with being the first to like something and then not liking it because other people like it. If it's so freakin' good that you love it why can't everyone love it with you? We should all be glad that tourists come to New York and see shows."

This could be the beginning of me regressing to the bitchiness of my livejournal days

Streisand, Arther, Parton, Oakley, Faaaaaaag

2009-04-25T19:10:00.000-07:00

I've had a really gay evening. I sat down to watch Streisand Live in Concert. Gay. Then my friend Oliver texted me that Bea Arther had died so I switched to a bunch of youtube clips of Golden Girls. Gay. Then I went back to the Streisand concert. Gay. THEN there was a commercial for Letterman where I found out Dolly Parton is gonna be a guest this coming Tuesday and I fell into a gay panic because I have to work on Tuesday from 1-7. Back to the Streisand Concert. Oliver texted me asking for me to listen to the end of Special from Avenue Q and see if I thought it was a Gypsy reference. So I paused Babs listened to the song and texted back within a minute. and Yes, yes it's a huge Gypsy reference. GAY

My Ipod on Shuffle

2009-04-22T22:07:00.000-07:00

So let me break down my Ipod for you. I've got 6 Genres.

Alternative. 7 albums, 52 Songs
Country, 14 albums, 194 Songs
Musical, 197 Albums, 3729 Songs
Pop, 9 Albums, 128 Songs
Rock 6 Albums, 93 Songs
Vocal, 72 Albums, 1034 Songs

205 Albums. 11.5 Days of music.
My top five most played songs
1. 9 to 5. Dolly Parton.
2. Get Out and Stay Out. Stephanie J. Block, 9 to 5 the Musical
3. But You know That I Love you. Dolly Parton
4. Here You Come Again. Dolly Parton
5. Shine Like the Sun. 9 to 5 The Musical.

Last 5 songs I played
1. Get Out and Stay Out. SJB. 9 to 5
2. Cinderella. Read along story book narrated by Stephanie J. Block
3. She who Has All. SJB & Linda Balgord. The Pirate Queen
4. Surrender. Hadley Fraser. The Pirate Queen
5. Let a Father Stand By his Son. The Pirate Queen

And now the big test. I'm gonna put my entire music collection on shuffle and see what the next 10 songs to come up are. Let's go.

1. Running Wild Blues. Charley Patton. Charley Patton
2. A hard Days Night. The Beatles. Anthology
3. Summertime. Billie Holiday. The Very Best Of Billie Holiday
4. No More. Paul Gemignani. Into The Woods
5. YMCA. The Village People. Billboard Top Hits: 1979
6. The Ballad of Sweeney Todd. Sondheim. Sweeney Todd (Original Broadway Cast)
7. The Jellicle Ball. Cats
8. Ester's Awful Makeup. Judy Garland. A Star is Born (1954 Movie Recording)
9. All I need is the girl. Tony Yazback & Laura Benati. Gypsy (2008 Broadway Revival)
10. Happy Days. Barbra Streisand. The Barbra Streisand Album Vinyl

Witness my three seconds of youtube fame

2009-04-22T03:49:00.000-07:00

I have no memory of what Steph and I were doing but this is amazing!!!

I will ALWAYS love you Dolly

2009-04-20T19:35:00.000-07:00

Best music video cameo EVER

I just love everything about her

Totally didn't realize Dolly wrote this song. I just knew this song from when Bernadette Peters sang it on the Muppet Show. Watch about 5:20 into the video. amazing Bernadette singing country. love it

Somebody call 911 SJB was ROBBED

2009-04-20T09:45:00.000-07:00

Ok so the OCC nominations have been out for like two hours and I'm seething! Criminal! Who the fuck made these nominations! When I first looked at the list I thought 9 to 5 was just not eligible because it hasn't even opened yet but then I saw that it was nominated for a few things. Three awards in all. Megan Hilty for Outstanding Actress in a Musical. Kathy Fitzgerald for Outstanding Featured Actress and Andy Blankenbuehler for outstanding Choreographer. and while I think all three are deserving of a nomination, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME that Stephanie J. Block wasn't nominated for Best Actress OR Dolly for best score! Reall?!?! REALLY?!?! And for that matter why is it that some of the catagories get split into off-Broadway and on Broadway and others don't????? Why is it that Happiness is nominated for Outstanding New Off-Broadway Musical AND Outstanding New Score. shouldn't there be a off-Broadway and on-Broadway category for scores? AAh I'm angry about this!

How the motherfucking hell did A Tale of Two Cities get a Outstanding New Broadway Musical nomination and not 9 to 5! WHAT THE FUCK! are these people on crack!!?!??!?!? They nominated Irena's Vow for Outstanding New Broadway Play but NOT Tovah herself! I mean come on this is ridiculous! And how was anything from 13 nominated. WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK

This is how I feel right now

This shit is Bananas

2009-04-16T06:50:00.000-07:00

My friend Oliver alerted me to this wonderful video that combines two of my greatest loves.

Why aren't you watching what I watch?

2009-03-30T22:27:00.000-07:00

Recently I discovered that all six season of Xena were available for instant viewing on netflix. amazing right!! So I start rewatching from the beginning when I realized I'd never seen the series finale. so i switched over to that because I'd heard it confirmed all the speculation about Xena and Gabrielle's relationship. Which it did, those ladies are in love. Hot. BUT THEN Xena fucking dies, like really dies. I mean she'd died before in the series but she always came back but this time she wouldn't let Gabrielle bring her back because it would mean these 40,000 souls Xena just released would not stay avenged because it was Xena who killed them in the first place (looooong story) When I realized what was happening and that Xena was going to stay dead for reals and that this was seriously how they ended the series I immediately burst into tears. Why Xena? Why? fuck those dead people, live again and be with Gabrielle!! aaaah it was so tragic. I'm still upset.

But this whole ordeal over the last hour brought me to something new and awesome, Xena erotic fanfic. I've grown tired of reading the same X-Files fic over and over. Now there is a whole new frontier to be conquered. Also the lesbian fic is so much better to read than the straight fic. I love me some mulder/scully fucking but there are only so many times I can read about Scully deep throating Mulder. ew penises.

This is the description of the story I'm reading now. "This story takes place in the Xenaverse and in the world of the Unicorn Tapestries. It's a fantasy, and rated R for ff sex and unicorn-hunting-related violence" Love it

I'm a pretty girl Momma

2009-03-17T20:25:00.000-07:00

While watching a Wife Swap return on the Lifetime Network I saw this awesome commercial for the Lifetime Network that told me I could get a FREE MAKEOVER, online! So awesome right! And so easy, just upload your photo and then pick out your new look! This is my new look!

Get your own!

This changes everything

2009-03-12T21:11:00.001-07:00

I'm crazy, but I'm not that crazy

2009-03-12T08:57:00.000-07:00

As I'm sure anyone who's had a conversation with me since January knows, I'm seeing Bernadette Peters in concert in April. And to say the least I'm really fucking excited. A few ways I've dealt with this intense excitement would be nearly overdrawing my bank account on ebay items having to do with Bernadette, finding an address that may or may not have been her apartment on the UWS, wandering around said apartment building no less than three times in the last month and finally sending her a birthday card with a check of $15 for Broadway Barks. Oddly enough it was after sending the birthday card that made me start to think I'd gone too far (yeah and not the stalking, that was normal)

If you know what happened when I met Megan Mullally then you know I'm terrified of being that girl. You know that girl. That girl who is chillingly obsessed with someone. You've seen that girl at the stagedoor, the star might even recognize them. But not in a "oh hey! My awesome loyal fan" but in a "oh hi person who I'm a little afraid of" kinda way. She is the girl who runs the celeb's fan site and sites them as their strength in a time of need. I don't want to be that girl but I know that I'm already half way there to being her.

So I've been really self-counscous about my Bernadette Peters obsession because I don't want it to develope more than it already has. and here I was thinking I was the craziest crazy who ever crazied after Bernadette and then I found this.

yeah. For those who couldn't make it through the whole thing, these are two high school girls who in honor of Bernadette Peters birthday which they call BPB they are having a party with just them, baking a cake, listening to her music and posting a video of it on youtube. I'm also very alarmed that they say they will be seeing her in concert in April, as am I. I wonder if I'll see them there.... stay posted

I was looking at the fan photos that people had posted on Bernadette Peters' fan page on facebook and as I was going through them I stopped and thought "hmm those last three were the same girl I think" One girl posted 16 photos of herself with Bernadette Peters, AND THEN another girl posted 25 pictures of herself with Bernadette Peters. I guess I've only been in a situation where I had the chance to meet these people I adore for a very short time but still I feel that if I'm at a Bernadette Peters concert 5 years from now will I need another picture with her, if I already have a good one? I don't know. I guess logically I want to say that one good picture would be enough but when I really think about meeting Bernadette Peters again 5 or 10 years from now I think I would want another picture with her. Maybe it's the fact that these girl's picture were all taken in the last 6 years or so. I hope I wouldn't need 25 pictures with Bernadette Peters in the span of 5 years. I guess it comes down to my delusional dreams of actually becoming friends with her somehow, or any celeb for that matter. I don't want them to know me as that girl If ten years from now I'm working on some TV show and Bernadette Peters comes to guest star and we get introduced I'd like her to think of me and a nice friendly person and not as that girl who bombarded her with crazy questions at a stagedoor years ago.

Also this must be addressed

People doing charity work in honor of Bernadette Peters' birthday. alright then. But tell me now, what is more crazy doing odd charity work in honor of Bernadette Peters' Birthday and posting a video about it on youtube OR asking Bernadette Peters if she has seen the video and if so what does she think about it (what I plan on doing when I see her at the stagedoor in April)

On another diva obsession note I bought this

Your Recent Activity

2009-03-07T20:50:00.000-08:00

This is what I've been watching instantly on Netflix
Xena Warrior Princess
Across the Universe
Murder She Wrote
The Office UK
Sweet Charity
Victor/Victoria

and right now I have three dvds out:
The Americanization of Emily
New York, New York
Kiss Me Kate

Next up on my queue?
Sondheim: A Celebration at Carnegie Hall
Sweeney Todd in Concert
Elaine Stritch at Liberty
Cher: The Farewell Tour

At last I'm free to pursue my dream of vengeance, VENGEANCE

2009-02-23T17:50:00.000-08:00

So you know sometimes you're watching something so funny that you're laughing so hard you end up missing something. And then other times something is so funny you are able to forcibly restrain yourself from laughing because you don't want to miss anything. That just happened to be because of this

There are almost too many amazing things about this video. To start Patti's ghost noises I want as my ring tone immediately... as a matter of fact.... for realsies I just recorded those ghost noises and made them my ring tone.

You know what's funny is I had found this picture of Patti while googleing a while ago.

And I thought it was totally 80salicious so I saved it on my phone and used it as wall paper for a while but I didn't know what it was from and that bugged me, because I guessed mid 80s. Which incidently was when Patti was doing a lot of odd work. In interviews she always says that after Evita she just had to keep working because if she waited for another role like Evita she would still be waiting. directly after Evita she did regional theatre in St. Louis or somewhere absurd like that. I seriously want more information about this Spin Cycle show because it sounds AMAZING! Anyway so on the one hand we have Patti after Evita just wanting to keep on working but then you have Patti the serious actress who is always yapping away about how she has a craft of acting and these silly hollywood people nowadays don't have a craft... and this is what Patti did with her craft? Love it, love every second of it.

Some of my favorite parts
1. the ghost sounds duh
2. the fact that she has to announce herself as a ghost
3. the face she makes after announcing she is a ghost, look at 0:27
4. How she magically closes the dyer door and then is really proud of herself for doing it
5. VENGEANCE
6. what the fuck did she say at 0:55... no seriously I have no idea, something about beagles?
7. How did she die in a dyer?
8. more magic at 1:08
9. 1:52 to soon to soon!
10. Why is Steve only thinking about bleach?
11. 2:26 yeah this is happening
12. wait I actually really like this song.... ok I'm recording this and putting it on my ipod right now
13. 3:21 Everybody!
14. oooooooh god where is the rest of this clip

So what I gathered from this clip is that Patti plays a ghost named Rachel, who was murdered by her husband Steve and his new girlfriend Debra somehow with a dryer. She was then trapped in the dryer for 18 months (how a dryer in a Laundromat in New York City doesn't get used for 18 months is mind boggling, at my laundromat I have to wait half an hour for a dryer to open because some Polish asshole wants to dry his white t-shirts separately from the rest of his laundry) Now that she is free from the dryer she wants vengeance on Steve and Debra. Also she sings, and does magic. Why the fuck didn't this show get picked up?!?! It's amazing!

Thanks world!

2009-02-19T07:18:00.000-08:00

I am so glad that everyone else in the world is a better person than I am. Some time last semester I was using a computer in one of the libraries and I found a USB drive, a tiny tiny drive that had 4G memory. Now I used to have a nice little USB drive but I'd lost it somewhere along the way so when I found this one I thought "Thanks Universe! Free stuff." I'm a finders keepers kind of person, most defiantly stemming from the serious amount of shop lifting I did in high school.
Well today I sit down in the library to write an essay and I'm about to save when I realize I can't find my little USB drive. I emptied both my bags, threw out all the band aid wrappers and sticks of gum floating around the bottom before deciding it was gone. I was annoyed, but mostly just with myself because I knew I'd left it in the computer the day before. "Oh well," I thought "I hope its next owner enjoys it." of course assuming that anyone who found it would be like me and keep it. Then on a whim I decided to check out lost and found, low and behold there was my little USB drive. As I walked back to my computer in triumph I had to wonder what exactly is wrong with me that I'm so greatly surprised someone didn't just steal it like I did.

25 things about me you probably already know because I'm kind of an oversharer

2009-02-18T21:30:00.001-08:00

1. Until roughly the age of 14 I was completely convinced my toys had lives of their own when I wasn't there. I really loved The Little Princess movie when I was a kid, and totally believed that my dolls were alive. Especially my American Girl Doll Molly. I got a fake American Girl Doll when I was 11 and I played with her on the car ride home and then never again because I thought Molly was jealous.

2. If I had a time machine I would travel back to early 1980 and see Patti LuPone in Evita and at Les Mouches.

3. A few weeks ago I found an address for Bernadette Peters on the Upper West Side and decided to check it out to see if it's real... it is but I didn't see her.

4. When I was 12 I wanted to write a piece of fan mail to Jennifer Aniston because I loved her on Friends but I thought the rest of the cast would be jealous if they all didn't get a letter from me so I tried to write one letter for each of them but I didn't know what to say in my letter to the guys because I didn't care about them. I did the same thing with Will & Grace. I never sent any of them

5. I didn't learn to read until the 3rd grade. I was in Special Ed in 5th grade and I went to summer school after 9th grade.

6. I have 5 different recordings of Annie Get Your Gun on my ipod, in total I have 147 albums in my Musical genre.

7. I am currently importing Titanic the Musical into my ITunes, I just finished getting Jekyll & Hyde and next I'm doing Little Women

8. My most profound and long lasting obsession is with the X-Files, I think Gillian Anderson had a deep effect on my sexuality when I was 12.

9. I once gossiped about how ugly Naomi Watts was without her make-up only to realize she was sitting a few tables away from me

10. I'm afraid if I had a credit card I would be Beckie Bloomwood

11. I watched Summer of Sam just so I could see Patti LuPone's boobs, which was awesome. I also watched S.O.B. just to see Julie Andrews boobs but seriously regretted it.

12. I actually study and quiz myself on the things I'm obsessed with. I have sat myself down and memorized things like episode names to seasons of the X-Files or the 25 longest running musicals in Broadway history.

13. in the week of January 4th-11th 2009 I spent a total of 21 hours waiting in line for theatre tickets. I saw the final performance of Liza's at the Palace (front row center) and I saw Gypsy three times. Twice front row and once from the left box. I consider January 11th 2009 the best day of my life thus far.

14. The last thing I bought on ebay was a Murder She Wrote tshirt. I was going to give it to my Grandma because she loves Murder She Wrote but I decided it was too awesome and am keeping it for myself and am now searching for something else to get for my Grandma.

15. I love quoting things and being the only one to know the reference because it makes me feel superior. But I love it even more when I'm in a group of people who can finish the quote with me and know the next line because it makes me feel like I'm not alone in my obsessions

16. When I first fell in love with Barbra Streisand I was convinced that she was this extraordinary creature of incredible talent that everyone else in the world knew about and hadn't let me in on the secret. I went to work the next day and casually asked what people thought of Babs, fully expecting all my co-workers (male, female, gay, straight) to respond with an overwhelming love for Babs. And I was shocked and confused when they said they either didn't like her or didn't care about her. I mean jaw-dropping shocked out of my socks.

17. When I'm alone and don't have anything to say to myself I meow.

18. I should be doing homework right now

19. I hourly have fantasies about meeting famous people, chatting them up and becoming their best friend

20. I really wish they would revive Cats

21. I once masturbated while watching the Golden Girls. Not to the Golden Girls mind you, I just happened to be watching an episode at the time and then decided I was too tired to both watch a full episode and then masturbate and so in order to economize my time I masturbated while watching Golden Girls. I think it was the bowling episode.

22. I still eat my boogers

23. I have serious glasses envy but I flip flop on how I feel about fake glasses. Sometimes I wear them and love it and other times I feel like too much of a poser and can't wear them. Every time I go to the eye doctor I pray my eyes have gone bad and I need glasses.

24. I think if everyone in the world could have an orgasm every day we'd have world peace.

25. I just mailed Bernadette Peters a birthday card with a check of $15 for Broadway Barks

I'm feeling Sultry

2009-02-09T21:30:00.000-08:00

I'm taking this required writing class about writing academic essays, which I fucking hate with a passion. I took the course on Comedy as Critisism which I though would make it easier but it might actually be worse because now I have no write about comedy in an academic way which I hate. my first assignment was to take something I think is funny and explain why. Which goes against everything in comedy I believe in. So I chose this video

(I'm really sorry to say that since posting this the video has been taken down from youtube, and there is no doubt in my mind that it's all my fault. I literally watched that video about 45 times while writing this. So sad that you can't watch it but hey I know it pretty damn well now so if you feel so inclined ask me sometime and I'll do my best to recreate it for you)

and I wrote this

In 1996 Bernadette Peters did a commercial for Ocean Spray. Specifically the Cran-Currant Juice Drink. The commercial opens with Bernadette sitting alone in a living room saying “People can be very emotional, they have many different sides. So does new Ocean Spray Cran-Currant Juice Drink.” We then see Bernadette pour herself a glass. “Some people drink it when they feel sophisticated it’s part black currant, dark and smooth. Others when they feel frivolous. It’s part cranberry, tart and sassy. It’s got a real zing. But I drink it when I’m feeling sultry.” Bernadette takes and sip and the camera view changes so we can see that she has four empty bottles of Ocean Spray Cran-Currant Juice Drink on her table, and the open one she is drinking from. The spot ends with Bernadette saying, “I guess I drink a lot of this.”
To start with it’s tragic and hilarious that Bernadette Peters would be doing any commercial in 1996, considering at this point she had been nominated for six Tony’s winning one. She’d also won a Golden Globe, with two other nominations AND had an Emmy nomination. She’d seen incredible success on Broadway, in movies and on TV but she’d doing a cheap 90s commercial for a ‘juice drink.’ For whatever reason Bernadette needed the money. Which is also funny because she should be fairly rich by this point in her career.
The writing of the commercial was obviously trying to take advantage of Bernadette as an actress. And although Bernadette is one of the greatest actresses of our time, her acting in this commercial is ridiculous. The first line she delivers well, like she’s talking to a friend. The second when she is actually plugging the product is as static as a sales pitch ever could be. And by the time she is describing the Cran part of the drink she’s all over the place with her voice and facial expressions. Which could be the point of the commercial because only people with many emotions drink this juice drink.
Even without Bernadette Peters this commercial would be funny and farfetched. First off no one drinks Ocean Spray when they are feeling sophisticated. No one. It’s a “juice-drink” not even a real juice. Ocean Spray doesn’t make this specific drink anymore but I’m sure if you were to find a bottle the nutritious facts would tell you it had a disturbingly low amount of actual juice in it. If it were mostly real juice it wouldn’t be called a “juice-drink” it would just be a juice. There is nothing sophisticated about Ocean Spray drinks. They come in plastic bottles.
Second why would someone drink Ocean Spray when they are feeling frivolous? No one thinks “Oh I’m so carefree I guess I’ll have this drink to help me not form kidney stones.” Let’s face it cranberry juice of any kind is your Grandma’s drink. People under the age of 50 who may be drinking cranberry juice-drinks frivolously both do not know how to have a good time and are not telling anyone that they enjoy cranberry juice-drinks.
Along the same lines why would Bernadette or anyone else drink Cran-Currant Juice-Drink when they are feeling sultry? There is nothing sexy about this drink. Add to this the fact that if you look closely enough at Bernadette’s face when she takes a sip of her Cran-Currant Juice-Drink that her eyebrows furrow slightly, indicating she doesn’t actually enjoy the thing she is currently putting in her mouth. Hilarious because she is recounting everything she just said in the commercial and even more hilarious because the production was too cheap to reshoot or recut to a version where she doesn’t look like she’s sucking down gas.

also check out this

I love when he asks her if she plays glamorous leading ladies she gets nervous and doesn't want to say yes and the host has to say it for her. So modest! I love her!! also check out the face she makes at 1:54. Watch for it a few times you might miss it.

Stop me before I get to this point

2009-01-08T14:26:00.001-08:00

I've been going bats over Patti LuPone and Bernadette Peters the past few weeks. I went out and bought all their biggest shows and have just been listening and gushing to anyone who will listen to me. I know I have this obsessive personality where once something is good in my mind I just can't get enough of it, like X-Files. Last Sunday I spent nine hours in line for tickets to Liza's last show, worth it. This week I'm seeing Gypsy three times. ah I'm crazy I know. But I'm not as crazy as this lady.... yeah so it's not that bad until I'm writing a memoir about X-Files defined my life

Tasteful encouragement or Muppet Orgy?

2008-12-30T20:18:00.001-08:00

Watch this

first off why is Bernie powdering her chin so much? second I'm fairly sure Bernie is not wearing a bra, hot. and then the way she breaks into that song is just to much. Soooooo sexualized it's insane right?! "hard enough, long enough." am I watching Bernie on the Muppet Show or Megan Mullally in Young Frankenstein? weird and also fucking hilarious, i just keep watching that first line over and over. because the thing about Bernie is that she's a wiz and going from talking to singing seamlessly because she can act and sing at the same time there is a fluidity that happens when she starts to sing. here she just goes right into it and it seems very jarring. not to mention she is singing a song that could be about believing in your friends.... or about the much to fabulous Bernadette Peters having an orgy with Muppets. It doesn't help that she totally macks on Robin at the end too.

So watch at about 5 and a half minutes into this video auuuuumazing. I watch this shit on my ipod. Who knew Bernie does country!

Excuse me?!

2008-12-15T22:00:00.000-08:00

So I was browsing ITunes while avoiding working on my final essay for writing class and I came across this atrocity while looking for more Judy music. The first sentence of the description for the Judy Garland ITunes Essentials read as such "You might call Judy Gardand the Madonna of her day," WHAT.... I mean seriously WHAT?!?!?!??! If by "Madonna of her day" you mean Madonna mother of Jesus then fine, but if you mean Madonna, material girl Madonna than get the fuck out of town. That is fucking insane. Judy is the most beloved performer of all time Madonna is a over sexed pop princess coke-head of the fucking 80s, the worse decade ever!!! Judy is fucking JUDY, Judy who spawned Liza for christ sakes.

Don't get me wrong I love Madonna, the pop singer not the mother of Jesus (enough with the slutty non sluttyness already!) Just this past weekend I played Like a virgin in the cafe like all day. I love Madonna, I even have her American Life album, on which SHE RAPS. But for the love of gays Judy is so much more than Madonna will ever be.

um this is just amazing

2008-12-02T11:26:00.001-08:00

I want you more than I want my next breath

2008-11-30T22:54:00.001-08:00

uuuum so I've fallen off the wagon, X-Files style. in the pat week I've bought seven X-Files related items of Ebay... and here are my new prized possessions

and if you were thinking to yourself... gee I know Emily's 21st Birthday is coming up in just two short weeks and I've got no idea what to get her then consider this

OMFG or these.... seriously I didn't know these existed until about thirty seconds ago and my heart stopped

Ensign Nellie Forbush: Racism is Cute Again

2008-11-18T09:15:00.001-08:00

So I've fallen deeply deeply in love with South Pacific. For my Rodgers and Hammerstein class I have to write a short paper comparing the musical to the book on which it is based. The book is really interesting and I highly recommend reading it. thus far what I've found to be the biggest difference from book to musical is the racism. in the book Nellie fucking hates people who are not white. when she meets Emilie's kids her inner monologue is this "A nigger. To Nellie's tutored mind any person living or dead who was non white or yellow was a nigger... Emilie De Becque had lived with the nigger. He had nigger children." WOAH right!? in the musical she just kind of mumbles something about 'colored' people. but you never really hear what she is thinking just that she is not down with Emilie being with girls who are not white. seriously read the book man, opens your eyes. fucking Nellie, adorable little Nellie who sings about being a Cockeyed Optimist does not just have a few prejudices or is a little racist, she is full blown white power, nigger this, nigger that racists! I am trying to wrap my head around how her character is still so damn lovable. I mean I can't get enough of Honey Bun.... which lead me to these youtube gems. first is Stephanie J Block singing Honey Bun from some performance somewhere. loves it

and then for your viewing pleasure.... this

Like omg!

2008-11-03T19:42:00.000-08:00

So when my Mom came to visit me this summer I had her bring me all my diaries from when I was in middle school and high school, I started reading one today, it's HILARIOUS!! first off I could not spell for shit, not that my spelling is much better now, but I have spellcheck. and my entries are things like a paragraph about how angry I am at one of my friends and then a list of boy and girl names I like with stars next to ones I really like. and I even use the phrase "like like" several times to describe my feelings towards boys in my class. and now for your great amusement I give you my diary entry from June 9th 2002(spelling errors intact)

Things I want to do befor I die;
1. be kissed August 11, 2002!!! (the date I added later in sparkly purple gel pen, presumably right after it happened)
2. have sex
3. star in a movie
4. have a pug named otis
5. travel the world
6. speak five languages
7. win best actress academy award
8. swim in the dead sea
9. meet Julia Roberts
10. star in or appear on a tv show
11. ride a train overnight
12. learn to jump on a horse
13. walk comfortably in heels
14 get married, be in love
15. write something, book or skript
16. have kids
17. get my legs waxed
18. go to UCLA or NYU exc
19. have honest last words be "no regrets"
20. feed a seal
21. be a foster mom
22. go skinny dipping
23. read war and peace
24. help get peace in Israel
25. learn to polldance

Emily

Thanks for being a friend!

2008-10-28T13:19:00.000-07:00

So maybe I'm behind the times but I just started watching the Golden Girls, and I fucking love it. Once again I feel as if I've been missing out on something magical that everyone else knew and loved but no one bothered to tell me! ah! Well I know now, I watched two episodes this past weekend and just bought the first season on dvd, to say the least I'm fucking excited.

I've been thinking a lot about what kind of person I'd like to be when I'm old. A few months ago I decided that being a bag lady in New York city seemed pretty cool. you know that old lady you pass on the street with a lot of shopping bags filled with other shopping bags and maybe a cat in there too, she's talking (or singing) to herself and you assume she has dementia or something fun like that but she'll also bitch you out for not giving up your seat on the bus. yeah sounds like fun. I want to be like my teacher for my Musicals of Rodger's and Hammerstein class. Old, forgetful, tucks sleeveless turtleneck sweaters into her suede skirt which is also tucked into her tights. constantly looking bewildered, bat shit crazy in love with musical theatre, grades papers on the subway, oh god I so want to be that in 40 years!

but then I started watching Golden Girls and I thought that while being a crazy bag lady would be cool for a while, I think the highest level of old person amazingness there is out there is Sophia! Holy fuck I love this lady. I want to be that! but I do worry I'm not witty enough, but even Sophia said she changed a lot since she was young so maybe I can too!!

Reality TV is my shit

2008-10-27T20:54:00.000-07:00

If you are not watching Scream Queens and/or Paris Hilton My New BFF then you are not living. these shows are fantastic

Gay Stuff

2008-10-14T17:42:00.000-07:00

So for My Queer Culture class I have to do a final project about one example of Queer Arts activism.... and I'm thinking about doing something to do with Rebecca Drysdale Time Traveling Lesbian. I'd love to do some kind of research project about Gillian Anderson making lesbians come out but I don't know how that is Arts Activism. hmmmm We shall see, in the mean time back to scanning Mulder Scully Erotic Fanfiction sites!! Huzzah!

I just feel comfortable in chain restaurants

2008-09-27T22:19:00.000-07:00

I am homesick. Like crazy mad homesick right now. It's not like a normal homesick though. I haven't gotten homesick much, even in all my travels but I always think of being homesick as something you feel when you're unhappy with where you are and you romanticize home. The homesick I'm feeling now is nothing like that. I love it here. I love my life, I love everything, I'm very happy. But also very homesick. I was talking to one of my friends a few days ago and he said he knew what it was. It's almost a New York City exclusive thing. You love New York so much and everything blah blah the big city is so great but it's tiring. I'm tired. Sure I have days off where I do nothing. Today for instance, woke up at noon watched TV, made pumpkin pancakes, more TV, TV, TV, TV, Shower, dressed and friend's bachelor party, home and bed/more TV. Ok so all of a sudden that seems like plenty to do in one day. But I do occasionally have days where I only leave my room to pay the take out guy. But it's not the same, you have to get out of New York City. It's been close to six months since I've been out of the city.

Last night I went to the movies in times square with a friend. afterwards we were hungry. I mentioned how badly I wanted to eat at a Red Robin. When I was in High School my friends and I went to Red Robin minimum three times a week. I love that fucking chain so much I can't stand it. My friend and I ended up going to Applebee's on 42nd because we both feel comfortable in chain restaurants. There is something so soothing about chains, they are always the same and you can always count on them to be that way.

Right now I want to be in Bellevue, sitting in my parent's basement having just gotten take out from Panda Express, spooning my dog on the couch watching Lennie era Law & Order.

Really?!

2008-09-18T06:46:00.000-07:00

So I just got out of my freshman year writing class and I swear I want to slap this one girl in my class. What a dumb cunt. I don't know how she ended up at this school. My first experience with her was on our first day of class, I was lost and wandering around some back hallway, she came around the cornor so I asked if she was looking for the same class as I. Too Cool For School is the name of the class. She did a little snort laugh, like oh how embarrassing and actually commented something along the lines of "I can't believe that's a class." Annoyed I continued my search. This class was not my first choice anyway and yeah hello this is the New School, we are a bunch of alternative education junkies so yeah there is a class called too cool for school.

I finally found the class and then 20 minutes late who should stroll in but that dumb cunt who was apparently more lost than I. And also enough of an idiot to not read her schedule throughly. Well I hope she felt as silly as I felt rectified.

Then today our teacher who has the very strenuous tendancy to ramble asked what time it was. She quickly responded 940, the end of class. I checked my own time 927. Really?! Really?! What a dumb fucking immature cunt. Look I was as bored as the next listening to our teacher ask the weird German girl about what she wants people to take away from her writing but seriously you can't stand another 13 fucking minutes. The thing that really pissed me off was the little smerk on her overly made up face. Like she was soooooo proud of herself for pulling one over on the teacher, who ended up talking for another 5 minutes anyway. After we left I rode the elevator down with a few people from class, but not the cunt. Who I'm sure sprinted out of there to go give head to gangbanger or something of that sort. We all agreed that it was possibly one of the most immature things a person could do in this situation. It's the type of thing that if pulled off in high school your classmates would pat you on the back, but hello honey this is college now so grow the fuck up!

I can't wait until next class where hopefully our teacher, who seems to remember everything will have figured out what happened and bring it up. Or even better she will try it again and this time, I swear even if she is trying to cut it by two minutes I'll correct her.

Jada Pinket Smith is the WORST LESBIAN EVER

2008-09-15T19:39:00.000-07:00

There are so many reason to hate The Women. I mean this movie is a horrible piece of shit, and I loved it. I love this movie like I love Wild Card with Joely Fisher, or anything on Lifetime for that matter. It's so bad it's good. It also didn't hurt that my ticket was free thanks to American Eagle and my open thursday afternoon. Since when was it a thing to give away movie tickets for just trying on a pair of jeans? Not that I'm complaining but seriously what's the deal?

I went into this movie knowing it would be terrible, unlike my friends who actually thought something good could come from such an outstanding cast. I went in thinking, ok nothing substantially good can come from this but hey free movie ticket and it's this or falling asleep to High School Musical: Get in the picture with a open bag of Soft Chew Chips Ahoy just like last night.

It was during the opening credits that I realized I would love this movie and all its terribleness. Meg Ryan, Debra Messing, Candice Bergen I knew would be there, but then imagine the most wonderful gay gasp to ever escape my lips when I saw Bette Midler's name on the screen. Possessing the interests of a theatre queen I settled in, no matter what, my beloved Bathhouse Betty would be in there somewhere and thus this movie could do no wrong.

Oh but it could. Everything became such a blur of horridness but I will try to pin point the exact moments of atrocity. Starting with Jada Pinket Smith is the worst lesbian EVER! To start why is anyone letting her act, I do not care if Will Smith is her hubs. This woman should not be allowed on screen! I haven't seen such bad acting since the porno I watched last night. And who in god's name wrote this! When I actually heard Jada listing the reasons for being a lesbian as things like no one leaves the toilet seat up and we can watch one thing on TV at a time, not only was I appalled at such transparently terrible writing but I was honestly offended as a lesbian. Any woman who claims to be a lesbian because she can share clothes is a fucking fraud! I am a lesbian because I like to eat pussy not because I like having someone to sympathize with when I'm on the rag. It was at this point I became embarrassed. I was embarrassed in myself for seeing this movie, embarrassed as a lesbian, as a woman and as a human being.

I mean GOD the writing was so bad after fifteen minutes I leaned over to my friends and declared this movie must have been written by aliens who have never encountered humans before but do have a few old copies of Cosmo. or perhaps by Brendan Fraiser's character in Blast From the Past, you know the whole bomb shelter thing. Anyway it seemed to me that whoever wrote this movie might not have ever met a woman before. Meg Ryan ate a stick of butter dipped in sugar and cocoa powder for crying out loud. I kid you not the entire audience (of about 20) was literally retching.

A few of the worse lines, Meg Ryan saying and I quote "it's not like we're in a movie from the 1930s" ug REALLY!?! Shut the fuck up Meg Ryan! Shut your adorable little face. I guess I just feel like Meg Fucking Ryan should know better. Oh also when Debra Messing's character is having her baby(the ONLY man in the movie, how innovative!) and dykey old Jada just can't take it so Annette Benning character jumps in and I swear to god says "I got your back girlfriend." I died, I just died.

Here is what I'll say for this lovely cast in this horrible movie. Meg Ryan, Committed. I mean she went for it, like Meryl Streep in Mamma Mia committed! And did you know that she literally cast herself in this one!? oh yeah she started as a producer and then thought hmm you know who would be great in this leading role... ME. Annette Benning was kind of all over the place but I think that's how terribly the character was written so brownie points as well for committing. Jada Pinket Smith, oh you know. Eva Mendes, hmm here I actually kind of liked how she did this, because in this case I thought it was a caricature and she played it thus. Candice Bergen, Oh Candice, sure why not? She got a little chubsie which I loved. Carrie Fisher, I'm impressed that she did her one and only scene whilst on an elliptical machine. Cloris Leachman, I would watch Cloris Leachman watching paint dry this is how funny I think she is. Bette Midler, to many gay gasps to truly tell you how much I love her and as with Leachman would literally watch her do anything. and last Debra Messing. I left her for last because I honestly think that something happened maybe Will Smith came in a did that flashy thing from Men In Black or something to EVERYONE else in the movie besides Debra Messing and she was the only one who knew what a piece of shit it is. Oh yes there was a little sparkle in Grace's eye that said, yes, yes I know I'm in a piece of shit and I'm going to treat it as such. Or maybe she really can't play anyone besides Grace Adler.

Do not even get me started on Meg Ryan's daughter. Oh jesus it was horrid. let's just say I thought every word out of that little girl's face might have been a line from the play Will Truman wrote when he was a teenager, you know By By Bisexual. ug the teen angst was atrosh.

I guess the moral of the story is I love movies. I love them to my wits end. When the movie was over my friends and I groaned about how horrible it was, but the difference is they wanted their money back and I was glad we went. I enjoy watching really bad movies.

On the way home while my friends rattled off lists of movies they had seen recently and hated, some enough to even walk out of the theatre, I could not to save my life think of a movie I truly didn't like. I either love a movie because it was great or I love it because it was so bad. The only movie I can really remember not liking at all was A Walk to Remember, the Mandy Moore has cancer teen tragedy. Oh god I hated that when I saw it. But that was a long time ago, I bet if I saw it now I would love how horrible it was.

Straight Up Vampire

2008-09-14T20:08:00.000-07:00

You wish you had seen this song performed by Ben Franklin and MC Skat Cat like I did.

Dolly for President!

2008-09-11T08:16:00.000-07:00

So I've been surfing online bored and I found out Dolly is coming to New jersey in October!! gasp! I want to go! I'm just getting to be a Dolly fan, everything I've seen of her is amazing but I haven't seen that much. oh man though she is amazing so funny! Anyway I'm hoping my roommate or someone else will want to go enough. because it's one of those things that I want to do because it sounds amazing but it's not like I would go alone. Sooooooo if you want to come with me to see Dolly in october call me! Also I just spent too much time on ebay drolling of gems like these

It's a Dolly Dollar from Dollywood! the seller says it's very rare because you can only find it at Dollywood

It's a Dolly belt buckle, I don't even own a belt with changable buckles, but I would fucking buy one if I could wear this

So I think I'm destined to have a psycho barbie collection. I've already got two versions of Mulder and Scully and I've been in some feirce bidding wars over several different Cher barbies... and I think I need this one in my life too

yes, yes I would

CATS

2008-09-08T20:56:00.000-07:00

Does anyone else think Rum Tum Tugger is just a Cat version of Dr. Frank'n'furter? I don't know I'm watching CATS for the first time and I swear that could be Tim Curry in a leotard.

I love you, You're amazing

2008-09-05T21:23:00.000-07:00

So today I spent some quality time at Second Hand Rose on 12th looking for Rodger's and Hammerstein Vinyl. in the process I found the original cast of Evita for $1. I already have a copy but When I went to play it for the first time I found out it was scratched a bit too much and skipped on a few songs. I wasn't upset though because that copy was 50 cents. Oh and I also found the most amazing thing!! Original Cast of I can Get it For You Wholesale. Now you may be thinking to yourself. hmm I've never heard of that show. Mustn't be anything special. WRONG. It was Barbra's first broadway show!! and this recording is impossible to find. or at least it's the first time I've seen it anywhere and it was only $1. yahoo!

Anyway so later I happened to be in the Times Square Area this evening and I thought HELLO! I should stagedoor Gypsy with my vinyl copy of Evita and have Patti sign it! Amazing! and so I did. It was great. Then something terrifying for me happened. So Patti was signing everyone's everything and all of a sudden we hear these screams, like teenage girly screams. Look up, and realize Equise is right across the street from Gypsy and Daniel Radcliff has just come out his stage door. Holy Shit you guys. it was madness. There must have been 300 people there. I thought it was terrifying. I can't imagine living that life. How scary?! It was so crazy there was policemen yelling at people to stay on the sidewalk and everyone was screaming and screaming and totally freaking out. It made me think about first how I never want anyone to know who I am and later about respect.

Daniel Radcliff is a teen heart throb. girls scream and scream and say they love him and so on but they have no respect for him. They don't respect that he is a person. I feel like superstars get no respect in that way. People feel like they know them and therefor feel fine in bothering them in public and demanding their little peice of whoever it is. It makes me think of that scene in Singing in the Rain when Don is standing on the sidewalk and a girl recognizes him and a second later he is surrounded by screaming girls, literally tearing his cloths off. Even the policeman he asks for help says, Hey aren't you Don Lockwood!

Patti fans respect Patti. We love her to our wits end but we respect her. Everyone tells her they love her and that she is amazing and please sign my playbill or whatever but there is no overpowering hunger to grab her or anything. Obviously it's two very different situations. Teen heart throb and broadway legend but I don't know it terrifies me to think about having to live that life where people know you when you don't know them. My friend told me not to worry because I'll never be a teen heart throb. and I'll never be a Patti Lupone either so I don't know what I'm worried about really I just think it's scary.

One last thing. So my Evita on vinyl cost me $1 and then ten minutes outside a stagedoor to have signed. the asking price of a Vinyl copy of Evita signed by Patti on ebay? bidding to start at $99 or buy it now for $265. I'm watching this one. I'd really like to know is people are paying that kind of money.... if so I think I'll go into business.

What Wouldn't I give to see Cher in Vegas?

2008-09-04T14:43:00.000-07:00

nothing, there is nothing I wouldn't give to see Cher in Vegas. So for a long time I've known I have the music taste of a gay man. Right now over half the music on my Ipod is musical theatre. the rest of it is general Barbra, Cher, and Dolly. Last time I was home in Seattle I spent around $50 on Barbra records and now I have a player that converts them to itunes. So very soon I'll have almost all of Barbra's albums on my ipod. To own a complete collection of Barbra records is something I aspire too. I started a frame collection too. So eventually I can have all my Barbra albums framed and on my wall... in chronological order as well. I love a good vocalist. I mean sometimes I can't listen to Barbra without getting teary. Her talent is just to much for me to handle.

You're welcome

ok and I just found this. I'm a relatively new Bette fan... so maybe I don't get it yet but what is with the mermaids? Are Mermaids to Bette as Pandas are to me?

Virgin Megastore is stalking me

2008-08-31T17:55:00.000-07:00

So I just checked my email and this was in my inbox

Dear Emily,

We don't quite know what to say. We thought our virtual date was going really well. You even made a shopping cart stocked with the best of music, movies, fashion, games and electronics. We really felt like it was going somewhere, but then you just... left.

Your beautiful shopping cart, filled with great deals, just left in the electronic parking lot.

We have to say that we're heartbroken. But we want to give you 24 hours to change your mind.

Your shopping cart is waiting for you. We know you'll come around.

Just go back to https://www.virginmega.com/VMS/screens/index.jsp and click on the little picture of the cart.

We miss you,

Virginmega.com

aaaaah I'm freaked out. geeez all I wanted to do was compare the prices of all the Gypsy cast recordings. and excuse me they didn't even have all of them! Stay out of my life virgin megastore!

I'm obsessed with: Gypsy A musical Fable

2008-08-30T20:33:00.000-07:00

I fucking love Gypsy, I'd even go as far to say it's one of my favorite musicals. In the same range as Wicked and Funny Girl. I saw Gypsy with Patti Lupone a few months ago from the balcony and liked it. Then a few nights ago a friend and I got student rush and sat front row center. Oh my god. it was too amazing! Patti fucking Lupone. She is indescribable. so fucking talented. I couldn't deal with it!

They've done four revivals and two movies. The thing about Gypsy is you don't just do a production of Gypsy and then cast. Someone realizes it's time for Bernadette to play rose and then they do a revival. The show is nothing without a stand out leading lady. Ethel Merman, Rosalind Russell, Angela Landsbury, Tyne Daly, Bette Midler, Bernadette Peters and Patti Lupone are the ladies worthy of this role. In 1998 they tried to do another revival but it died way before it came near Broadway. Just look at the marketing for this production. All the posters just says "Patti Lupone Gypsy" That's all you need to know.

In the playbill there is a understudy listed for Rose, but she doesn't have a bio. I was convinced she didn't exist until I looked her up on IBDB. But really what is the point of even having an understudy for Rose. Is there anyone who wouldn't ask for a refund if they got the theatre and were told Patti Lupone wouldn't be performing?

I just watched the 1993 TV movie version with Bette Midler, I love Bette and I thought she was great but I was so frustrated by the supporting cast. Some were great Andrea Martin, Christine Ebersole, and even Lacey Chabert. Who knew?! but Cynthia Gibb as Louise! uh She was terrible. maybe I've just been spoiled by Laura Benanti. there is an article in playbills right now that talks about how Laura broke the 'curse' of the role of Louise. Because Rose is such a strong part. it seemed each production was built around that one lady and the rest of the cast didn't matter. but obviously it does. especially the role of Louise. Laura's Louise is so perfect.

I die a little every time I think about how I was in New York while Bernadette was in Gypsy and I didn't see it. I didn't know and it kills me! Not as much as when I realized I could have seen Wicked with original cast but still.

I just thought of something that really amused me a few months ago. I was watching the Tony's a they were saying who was nominated for best actress in a musical. Kelli O'Hara, Faith Prince, Jenna Russell, Kerry Butler and of course Patti Lupone. When David Hyde Pierce said Kerry Butler she smiles, did a two handed fingers crossed and seemed to giggle. Watching it again now I'm willing to believe maybe maybe maybe it was a joke but still the rant must go on. WHO THE FUCK DOES KERRY BUTLER THINK SHE IS? Really did she really think she even had a shot in hell at beating out Patti fucking Lupone for a tony! Really Kerry Butler, you think you're even in the same leauge as Patti fucking Lupone. I've no doubt your nomination had more to do with Xanadu's marketability as a national tour than your performance. Seriously you though You could beat out Patti fucking Lupone in GYPSY for your performance in Xanadu. I don't even know how a disgrace to the name of musical theatre like Xanadu even made it to Broadway. The only redeeming quality about the original movie was getting to watch Gene Kelly dance his heart out at 68. I don't even like Xanadu ironically or enjoy it for campyness. and I love camp. I mean seriously, I am enraged by this girl. Once again one of the most important qualities for me to see in other people is self-awareness and Kerry Butler just seems like she has no idea of who she is in the world of broadway. starring in Xanadu for crying out loud! she really thought she could beat out Patti Lupone! Patti Lupone of Evita and Le Mis. You went to Ithaca College, Patti Lupone practically created the drama department at Julliard. REALLY!?!?!?!

really Kerry Butler you though you could beat out this

I just rewatched that for like the millionth time and I still cry. Too amazing to deal with!

oh yeah and this video is fucking hilarious!

le sigh oh Patti how I love thee. oo ooo oo also everyone start reading Patti's Blog!

I'm obsessed with: My Sketch 201 show!!!

2008-08-24T22:45:00.000-07:00

Hey Guys I have a super amazing Sketch Show Monday August 25th at 6:30pm at the Upright Citizen's Brigade!! It's going to be amazing! Did you go to college? Have you ever played with a magic eight ball? Do you love pandas? Of course you do! So come see some some great sketch comedy about these and other intriguing topics.

Monday August 25th
6:30pm @ UCB
W 26th bet 8th and 9th
$5

See you there!!!

I'm obsessed with: liberal racism

2008-08-23T11:00:00.000-07:00

I will admit that I've got a decent amount of what I call liberal racism going on in my brain. similar to white guilt, which I've got a lot of too. I think there is a little difference in them though. See I'm a liberal racist because while I'm super liberal and grew up being taught that everyone was equal and all that, I was still raised in a mostly white community.

My high school was about 75% white, 22% asian and 3% other. So it makes sense that I generally feel comfortable around asians and white people. Since moving to New York City I've really notice how oddly uncomfortable I feel around Black people or Hispanics. I almost think it's more of a dare I say 'ghetto' thing. I'm really uncomfortable with people who speak in slang. but that goes for any race. I feel weird around anyone who uses words I don't know I guess.

I think maybe it's a money thing too. this sounds horrible but I have had friends who were "poor" before and felt fine but there is such an attitude difference when meeting people now in NYC because generally we are all poor, we are young and trying to take care of ourselves but you can tell the differences in attitude to how someone was raised.

My parents are rich. Not super sweet sixteen rich but rich enough. My dad works for Microsoft. My entire childhood we had more computers in the house than people. But my parents, or really my mother are very sensitive to being good with money. My mother's sister has gone bankrupt several times, so from a very young age I was taught how to handle my money.

And my parents are only starting to help me out now that I'm going back to school. The last ten months I've been in NYC they haven't given me any money to help me out.... they have however given me money to buy a bike. Which I know counts as them giving me money and helping me out but I think it's a little different because it's not like I was behind on my rent because I went shopping. I wanted a luxury I couldn't afford and my dad happens to be a cycling enthusiast.

Oh did I mention I'm the favorite. yeah I realized that sometime after I graduated from high school and my parents were paying my way to spend a year in Israel instead of college. I think it really got solidified when I came home from Israel said I still didn't want to go to college and instead I would be moving to NYC in the fall. I think mostly I'm my dad's favorite because I was never daddy's little girl. my dad and I have nothing in common and basically the only thing we'll do together is watch red dwarf. But as he's said to me many times, he's happy to see me happy. or see me succeeding.

Anyway back to me being a racist, I started thinking about it yesterday at my college welcome weekend, which was boring and lame and I decided to skip today. My welcome group was about half asian. I realized this when I realized I was the only white person in the room. which almost made me feel empowered or cool and unique I guess. I thought about how many asians were in my high school and how comfortable I feel around asians and that I legit find their culture interesting. usually I'm most interested in Japan and maybe China. the girls in my group seemed exclusively south Korean. but we'll see.

One thing that universally makes me uncomfortable is people who have names I can't pronounce. weird asian names spelled with an x or the Puerto Rican girl named De'Andre. thankfully for me the english only whitie they've all come up with cute american nicknames that I can try to remember.

ok here is a good example of my liberal racism. there was a black girl in our group who at first I was like oooo black person I hope I know how to talk to her. we sat next to each other later and had a great conversation. she was from New Jersey and probably had rich parents like me. I was not able to have a conversation with the De'Andre from the Bronx however. not that either of us tried.

I think probably the biggest problem I have is assuming. I assume that if someone grew up in the Bronx I will have nothing in common with them. I'm vaguely conscious of this but can't stop myself from embracing every stereotype in the book. They must hate me because I'm rich and white. and there is no way we could have any of the same interests. I like Barbra Strisand and the X-Files, they probably like hip hop and armed robbery.

As with most things I'm glad that at least I'm self aware. at the very least I know I'm a liberal racist.

I'm obsessed with: The TV set

2008-08-20T22:32:00.000-07:00

ok I'll admit I'm not actually obsessed with this movie but I'm really interested by it. I'll assume you haven't seen it because I don't think anyone has. It's about this writer's whose script is being made into a pilot during pilot season and how it goes from something that meant a lot to him and was his baby and it just gets totally ripped apart by the process and by the end is nothing like what he wanted it to be. I was really interested in seeing because it's an intriguing premise and I adore David Duchovny, Judy Greer and Sigourney Weaver. I can't decide if I was really disappointed by the movie or if I think it's the ultimate irony. because the movie feels like a room of executives tore it to shreds. I can see how the original screenplay would have been great but this movie is a shadow of what I'm guessing the original idea was. It is a great idea because that's a part of hollywood most people never see. even watching the making of you can tell it's not what the writer wanted. For example he flat out says that Sigourney Weaver's character was suppose to be a man but then executives suggested it be a woman or they changed it.

i feel this movie gets lost in its own story, it's too real

I'm obsessed with: beating the hell out of things I love

2008-08-18T21:04:00.001-07:00

A friend sent me a link to the unaired pilot of 30 Rock, which I eagerly watched. It was interesting because it's mostly the same. Big differences being Rachel Dratch replaced with Jane Krankowski. Which makes me sad because I adore Rachel Dratch and think she is comedy gold and we should all be worshiping at her hilarious feet. but the character is so different when played by Jane Krankowski. I don't know I can't describe it. I guess it also frustrates me because the Jenna character is just more fleshed out in the aired version. Rachel got replaced and they gave the character a bump. Couldn't they have just fleshed out the character for Rachel? It just depresses me because it seems like everyone in the comedy world knows Dratch is brilliant but no one will give her a show. I read an interview with Amy Poehler a while ago and they asked her about Dratch and how people think she can't get a show because she's not pretty enough. Amy basically said anyone who thinks that is an ass and should realize that Dratch is a comedy genius and should rule the world. I agree. So frustrating too because I'm super attracted to Rachel, she's got everything I love in a girl, short, cute, nice boobies and hilarious. what more could you ask for?

Anyway watching it reminded me how many times I've watched this fucking show. 30 Rock started while I was in Israel and without a TV so I bought the season pass on Itunes. I looked forward to downloading the episodes every week and would watch them over and over. I put them all on my ipod and watched them over and over. I literally know every line to the entirety of season one. and it has gotten to the point where I'm almost not laughing because I think it's funny but because I remember how funny I've always thought it was. I know every line and every joke so well it's almost not funny anymore. I say almost because I'm not quite to the point where I don't like it anymore. I am afraid that if I were to watch an episode one or two more times I would start hating it, and hating 30 Rock is the last thing I want to do. This show is so great and so funny and brillent and yay ladies, yay Tina Fey, yay comedy!

I'm obsessed with: My DVD collection

2008-08-17T20:40:00.000-07:00

so last night I was in the mood for some cleaning. I couldn't find the battery charger for my digital camera and I wanted it for my show today, which I ended up taking 5 pictures at. but anyway I knew the charger was in my room just out of sight. So I cleaned my room! Also my mom is coming in a week and I'm hoping I can keep it clean until then. I'm going to brag right now and say my room looks great. It feels like someone lives here. I have stuff on the walls and a bookshelf with books, closet with clothes and my crazy amazing DVD collection.

This is the thing with my DVDs, I love owning them in general. I love watching movies more than I like talking to people. In high school I had a few DVDs, mostly I used an unlimited DVD pass at blockbuster. And when I say I used it I mean I would drive to blockbuster rent two DVDS, drive home watch and repeat until they closed. When I moved to NYC I didn't have a TV so I started buying DVDs like crazy. Almost everyday after work I would go to virgin and get one of their $10 DVDs. So now I have a lot of DVDs.

Also I like organization. I like color coding and neat hand writing. I make my own day planners because I like the days arranged a certain way and I like the color them in rainbows. My DVDs have been quite organized thus far but last night I decided to redo it all and make it perfect. My DVDs are now organized in genres, which are alphabetized, and alphabetized within the genres. My genres include

Action
Comedy
Drama
Gay
Musical
Romance
SciFi
Thriller
TV

Notice the Mulder Scully Barbie Dolls and Lunch box

Once I have a few more I plan to break up Action, and make a Adventure section. Also I'd like to break up the Musical section and Make it Musical, Classic Musical (pre1990), and Musical Concert/performance. And I want a Romantic Comedy Section. and I might bring back the non-musical Barbra Strisand section. or maybe make a cult section. I'd really like to break up comedy too. maybe make a classic comedy section, and/or a mel brooks and monty python section. The trouble with a classics section is deciding what is a classic. I was trying to make one last night and I was putting Breakfast at Tiffany's and Cactus Flower in it but then I also wanted to put Milo and Otis because for me that is a classic from my childhood. but it was made 1989 so hmmmm. maybe someday I can have a childhood nostalgia section.

Can I just take a second and say how much I love Milo and Otis. such a great movie. and watching as an adult I have such a great appreciation for the amount of animal training involved in making it. mind blowing!! that movie makes me so happy, any time I'm down I can just watch it and be happy. it's like a comfort thing too. I'm perfectly happy to fall asleep listening to Milo and Otis any night of the week.

I'm obsessed with: Private Teacher

2008-08-15T00:32:00.000-07:00

this porno is fucking hilarious! My favorite part is when the guy crawls out of the TV to fuck the girl, then leaves to go carp fishing in Iowa??????????????????????????

I'm obsessed with: the episode Bad Blood from the X-Files

2008-08-14T22:08:00.000-07:00

Guys this is probably my favorite episode of the show. and that's saying a lot. I fucking love this show. I won't go into detail, but I'll just say I spent $50 last week bidding on Mulder Scully collectors edition Barbie dolls.... my second set. nuff said, I think so.

Anyway this is the best episode ever! not just for the show but for all shows! it's great. it's in Season 5 so it was the point in the show where they were becoming more comfortable with the comedy episodes. They didn't even do a straight comedy episode until Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose, Season Three Episode Four. Bad Blood is just great television.

The episode starts with Mulder chasing a guy through the woods at night, catching up to him, and pounding a wooden steak through his heart. Then Scully comes up and he proudly shows off the "dead" guy's fangs. Which Scully quickly discovers are fake. Then Mulder says "oh shi-" cut to the opening titles. A little silly and just fun.

The premise of the episode is that after Mulder has killed this guy his family is threatening to sue the FBI for 446 million dollars and Mulder and Scully have an hour before their meeting with AD Skinner, so they want to "get their stories straight" So first the events are told through Scully's point of view and then they are told through Mulder's. amazing right!

Besides the silliness like when Luke Wilson enters as the town's sheriff and in Scully's version he's all sexy and flirts with her and in Mulder's version he has big buck teeth and is an idiot,

what's great about the episode is the acting. It must have been so much fun for Gillian and David to do this episode because not only are there scenes where they play their normal perspective of their character but then they play their character through the eyes of the other character. So Gillian is playing Scully through Mulders eyes and so forth. THEN they also get to play their character through their own characters eyes. So Gillian is playing Scully through Scully's eyes. I love it!! I love the little nuances in their acting, it's so brilliant! Even when in their separate stories they have the same dialogue it's different.

I think it must be such a great acting challenge. because even in their own character's version of the story they don't play their character normally. I'm really interested in people's perceptions of themselves and this is the ultimate example. Sometimes I just wish I could step outside myself and see a truly unbiased version of me. But who has that version. Everyone has their own judgments and perceptions. I don't think anyone can ever look at themselves and see themselves, truly, truly see themselves in ever aspect. It's like I can see myself and I have this idea of who I am but I wonder what other people's idea of me is. It's like how a documentary always has an opinion. It's impossible not to.

So in Scully's version when Mulder gives her the tickets to Dallas she asks nicely "You want us to go to Dallas?" to which Mulder responds "yeeeha!" In Mulder's version Scully whines "Why are we going to Dallas?" To which Mulder almost timidly responds by explaining to her the actual small town called Cheyny they are going to which Scully rolls her eyes and looks bored.

Yikes! this is amazing I was youtubing to try and find a clip from the episode and I found this great video. The first half talks about bascially what I've just said, second half not important.... to you I think it's important to my life but whatever

Who's the black private dick who's a sex machine with all the chicks?

I'm obsessed with: WETV's Secret Lives of Women

2008-08-13T11:25:00.000-07:00

Guys this show is great. First off the opening title sequence shows the worst examples of the secret lives of women. Some kind of office girl/dominatrix, girl next door/tattoo addict, librarian/stripper, mom/body builder. those are the examples!

Right now I'm watching the extreme weight loss episode. I was in love with this one from the start because of course it opened with horrible candide shots of fat people in public places. How terrible is it every time there is some report or show about fat people they do that. Technically they can show the people because they never show their faces but come on, I feel like if I saw my body or the body of someone I knew even with their head out of frame, I'd know. humiliating! especially if it's for the fat thing.
the thing that I love about this show really is how shitty it is. It seems like the show just has a terrible producer or something.

There is ALOT of terribly awkward shots of the subject with their voiceover. Like right now there is some woman talking about how fat she is while we are shown shots of her sitting in her living room, standing on her stairs and looking at herself in the mirror. I always thought those things must be the most awkward to film. or you know those promos for tv shows where the actors are just sitting in a studio smiling or trying to be silly and kick at the camera or something lame like that. must be weird.

also hate how they treat you like a retard every time they come back from commercial. I get that they want to appeal to people who are just tuning in but if you're watching the whole thing they repeat everything like we have the attention span of a two year old. Basically I think the WE channel is poor woman's lifetime. It's programing for retards.

This show has grown on me, one of my roommates started recording it and I watched an episode and thought it was horrible but too often when I come home the only other thing recorded is that Gene Simmons show, which I refuse to watch. I think the first episode I watched was the Child Brides episode, which I don't really understand how it was a secret life. Ug all those women were fuck idiots. marrying 30 year olds at 14 and shit. the one I love to hate the most was the lady from tennessee who got married and preggers at 13 to a 28 year old. ug and they're still together! They showed her sitting with him in their trailer listening to him play the banjo while her voiceover talked about how much she still loves him. barf. Actually now that I think about it there are a lot of episodes that don't really fit the premise of secret lives of women. for example unique love. this great episode featured a bisexual woman in love with a pre-op F to M, and a little person with a basketball player.

The only kind of marathon I'll ever run in

2008-08-10T22:28:00.000-07:00

So because this was my first Del Close Marathon I decided to do it right and go to the whole thing. Or as much of it as humanly possible. Basically on Friday I worked the afternoon then went straight to Baby Wants Candy, which was a great way to start the weekend. they blew my freakin mind! Musical impov is too amazing. I saw a few shows at the Hudson Guild Theatre, including Super Cagematch, which rocked. C, C, C kill me everytime. I love monoscene as a structure and they do it so damn well it's just a joy to watch. Saw a few shows at Urban Stages then settled in for the night at UCB.
notable shows of that night, working girls. so hilarious! it was 6 girls in character as some New Jersey secretaries who took one improv class at a retreat four years ago. so great. Also UCBW: Kicking Ass and Taking Suggestions. both these shows made me realize how much I enjoy improv done in character.
From about 8-11am I napped on and off through out shows. very unfortunately for me I fell asleep at the beginning of a group who said they did dramatic improv (groan) I woke to one of their members screaming, then being shot to death by her scene partner, THEN I watched the two other people in the scene have full improv sex, including the woman holding her infant child between her legs to eat her???????????????????? dramatic improv is a terrible idea regardless but WHAT THE FUCK, very possibly the most bizarre and disturbing thing I've ever seen, improv or otherwise.
I met up with Nick and Patty for our workshop which went well despite me being delirious. We then went back to the UCB for an amazing line up of shows, Improvised Shakespeare, amazing even if I had no idea what they were saying. I eat Pandas, always a pleasure. Reuben Williams also always always good.
Some highlights from the rest of the insane night. Match Game 76, probably the best thing of the whole weekend. Walken walks in, harold with Christopher walken impressions, Cosbyprov exactly what it sounds like. Robot TV, what if robots did improv? hilarious!
Then it was my second favorite show of the weekend, Krompf breakfast!! it was awesome, combining my two great things Joe Wengert and food! hurray! also neil casey rocks my improv mind.
I slept most of the morning, the last chunk of shows were amazing!! Let's have a ball, must be in improv scene with gausas so we can make out, mmmmm. Naked Babies. Scheer-McBrayer. love love love it, and then to come full circle in amazingness, Baby Wants Candy!!
Last but not least I saw Asssscat. which was sad because Amy Poehler wasn't there but still great.
All in all the whole weekend was great. the only show I wished I hadn't seen was the dirtiest improv show ever, no thank you Andy Rocco's saggy balls. ew
yay Improv comedy!

Liquified Pop Rocks

2008-08-05T23:59:00.000-07:00

Sitting naked on the floor of my Studies in Shemot classroom with Charlie a 5'6 250lb musical theatre major I realized I was a lesbian.
The year after I graduated from high school I moved to Israel for a study/volunteer gap year program. For the first time I was legal to drink in a bar. In high school I had quickly learned that Smirnoff Ice stolen from my best friend's brother and drank in a basement was not my thing. I had been eager to enter the world of alcohol until I actually set food in a bar and spent the following 15 hours on a bathroom floor. I quickly swore off drinking for good. But because of some odd subconscious tick I subsequently forgot the terrible experience and tried drinking again, and again.
Usually I got dragged out by Devon, a girl I became friends with out of a desperate need to have a friend and not because we had anything in common or even really liked each other. One Friday night in January she insisted I come out with her and a group of people from another section of our program. Once again some how forgetting how much I had come to hate everything about the social nightlife of the American teen in Israel. I donned my best bar hopping in the middle of winter in Jerusalem outfit. Being that Friday is Shabbat and Jerusalem is a holy city our choice in non-kosher bars was slim. We ended up at a Billiards bar inside a mall in the industrial neighborhood of Talpiyot.
Within seconds of entering the near empty bar Devon abandoned me for whichever guy she had deemed flirt-able. Beyond miserable and cursing my daft memory I sunk into a chair to watch a game of pool. Later in the night I was introduced to Charlie, an overweight, bearded heeb in his prime. We hit it off immediately gushing over our mutual adoration for musical theatre.
When he offered to buy me a drink I turned on my best "but I don't drink" girly charm, complete with giggles and excessive eyelash fluttering. After careful selection he chose Midori Sour to be my drink, a neon green liquor that tastes like what pop rocks would if liquified.
Halfway through my bitch drink as I stared longingly at Charlie as he told me about the time he saw Gypsy with Bernadette Peters I knew I was in love. Middle school fantasies danced through my inebriated mind as I saw in Charlie my first ever real boyfriend. As he leaned over and proceeded to make out with me in the cab home I pictured how cute we'd be living together in the West Village someday, cuddling up on the couch after a long New York City day to watch Candide with Patti LuPone.
I felt wanton staggering the halls of our school searching for an unlocked room that was not the Synagogue, which we had both deemed off limits. The library became our saving grace. As Charlie peeled off my coat, scarf, gloves and boots I reveled in the feeling of being wanted by someone. I had breezed through high school not making it past second base and now 8,000 miles from my vibrator even Charlie's inept knowledge of female anatomy was a welcomed blessing.
It took three hickeys and him asking me to let his "dick ride against my jeans" to snap me into sobriety and the realization of what I was doing. The only thing actually attracting me to this guy was his love of musical theatre, so what the fuck was I doing letting him feel me up. After politely declining his offer of dry humping I gathered my layers and Charlie walked me back to my room.
Standing with my back pressed to the door I realized what I had drunkenly interpreted as a loving gaze was more the lustful leer of an under-sexed viking ready to pillage me. I promised him we'd "hang out" again when he, eyebrows raised, asked me. Then immediately upon closing my door I scrubbed my body clean of his stench in a hot shower.
Biggest mistake ever! I told Devon the next morning in our Jewish thinkers and ideas Lecture. I made her promise to never leave me alone with a boy and a drink again. Two months later nobody had learned anything. It was yet another Friday night bar hopping in Jerusalem. This time our venue was a disco bar near the Old City. I sat in the corner of the completely empty bar with the group's purses and my signature drink, Midori Sour, bitterly watching Charlie dance it out to Cher "Different Kind of Love Song." I scoffed at my own stupidity. How could I have let that touch me. I can't believe I though that was the guy I'd lose my virginity too. However my drink was strong or rather my tolerance low and my vibrator was still in a shoe box under a bed in Seattle. By the time we decided to head back to the dorms I didn't think, I knew I'd made all that horrible stuff about our night together all up. And so after not having spoken a word in eight weeks I said yes to sharing a cab with Charlie.
The second I entered my dark Studies in Shemot classroom and turned to see Charlie leering at me I knew this was a horrendous mistake. Everything came flooding back. The roughness of his beard against my cheek, the suffocating weight of his belly against me. My mind cleared and the only word I was left with was fucked, I am so fucked.
But being the immensely awkward 18 year old I was I decided to stay and at least make out with him a bit, for pity sake. It was all bearably terrible until the painfully unsubtle attempt to pull my hand down onto his dick. After maneuvering away for the third time he stopped.
"Come on just give me a hand job." I smiled sweetly back
"uh no."
"You don't have to be afraid of my penis." I giggled out of actual fear or uncomfortableness or both.
"What would it be better if I had a vagina?" I laughed his spiteful question off, then stopped. Would it be better if he had a vagina? As if being hit over the head with every time I'd stared longingly at Kristin Chenoweth's chest I realized yes, yes it would be so much better. Holy fucking shit I'm a lesbian.Oh thank god! This is amazing! I'll never have to give a hand job ever, or blow job or ever have to do anything that involves a penis! I'm never going to have to buy condoms, I'll never have a pregnancy scare! This is so great!
The relief of finally knowing why I'd never been asked to a school dance washed through me. Suddenly I couldn't wait to change my sexuality on Facebook and buy a big rainbow flag for my door. Charlie's question had been the straw that broke the back of my illusions of bisexuality.

The love of my life, no really

2008-07-28T20:07:00.000-07:00

I've been standing outside Madison Square Garden alone for ten minutes waiting for a glimpse of someone wearing a UFO shirt. I'm meeting up with a group of fellow fans, X-Philes we call ourselves from the online group X-Files Ultimate, we are meeting for the first time in person to see the newest movie, X-Files I want to Believe.
I cannot begin to express the deep unyielding love I have for this show. I saw my first episode, Signs and Wonders from Season 7 when I was thirteen and was hooked ever since. I'm not much of a Sci-Fi person but there was something about the relationship between Mulder and Scully that grabbed onto my heart and refused to release me. I am a diehard Shipper. Their relationship is classic TV angst, partners with great chemistry who all the fans want to get together. I fall for it every time. But with the X-Files I didn't just fall for the drawn out will they, won't they, I became profoundly obsessed.
The first and only time I tried to talk to a non-Phile about the show was in the 9th grade. I'd been watching for about a year and was knee deep in the developing relationship between Mulder and Scully. I was sitting next to Elizabeth my friend since kindergarden in Biology class. Through out the lesson I tried to explain the importance of Mulder holding onto Scully's neckless while she was missing for an episode in season 2. As I speculated on what Mulder must have been going through emotionally during Scully's three month abduction I realized Elizabeth had stopped passively listening to my babble and was now starring at me with a look of perplexity. It was at that point that I thought, maybe I like this show too much? But I knew that wasn't true, everyone else just doesn't love this show enough.
I see a girl from across the patio eyeing me. I had been afraid that since I no longer owned any X-Files related clothing I wouldn't have a way of finding the group. So to be on the safe side I had packed the contents of my purse into my X-Files lunch box. In high school I had actually packed a daily lunch and it had felt good to have a practical use for it again. The girl approaches me pointing to the lunch box.
"Are you from XFU? For the movie?"
Relief runs through my body. Someone else showed up! For the first time in my life I could have a deep conversation about what Scully meant by saying "oh brother" at the end of Triangle. We exchange the usual small talk. How excited we are for the movie. How glad we are to have fellow X-Philes to see it with. Marie is Asian, Korean if I had to guess. At first I have trouble placing her accent. Later she reveals she is Austrailian but spent time in London. A few minutes later I see a group form a few feet from us, several of it's members are wearing X-File related t-shirts. Thrilled we join them.
There are sixteen of us, everyone has come alone except for Beckie and Jo, and Carrie, Erin and Jane. Beckie and Jo are from London, they've spent the last day or so traveling in time to make it for the midnight showing. The movie comes out in the UK eight days after it's North American premiere. But both Becki and Jo agreed it was much to long to wait. Beckie and Jo wear homemade shirts with the phrase "Nailed it!" Ashamed to not know the reference I keep quiet when everyone else complements the shirts. Later when someone notices Becki's slight limp she explains that when the first movie came out she had a full leg cast on from a car accident. Her mother had forbidden her to leave the house until she was fully recovered. She now has what she describes as a "permanently fucked up knee" from sneaking out and driving herself to the movie, in a stick-shift no less.
Carrie is a long time diehard fan from New Jersey, Erin and Jane her new recruits. Carrie wears a classic UFO shirt with "I Want to Believe" on the back. Erin and Jane wear matching "Believer in training" shirts. Theirs have the glorious naked embrace of our two heroes from the 1996 Rolling Stone Cover on the front, a picture that tantalized every shipper's imagination. In addition Erin has adorned her shirt using puff paint with phrases like "maybe there's hope" and "the truth is out there," successfully making her look like the art director at a summer day camp.
We introduce ourselves to each other using our screen name first, real name second. Then the group heads over to Stitch Bar and Lounge on 37th. Laura who appears to be one of those suburban white girls living in the Bronx to save all the poor little black kids has made dinner reservations for the group.
We painfully don't belong in this establishment. Stitch is the kind of place everyone from an office heads to after work to unwind and get to know their coworkers. The music is unbearably loud, presumably to beat the awkwardness out of every blind date in the room. Although the majority of us are in our 20s the current maturity level is of that of a five year old on their first trip to DisneyLand. We are bold with a mutual feeling of acceptance. Every few minutes throughout dinner Erin announces the hour and how much time is left to the apex of our excursion. With each notice a cheer ripples across the table and my heart involuntarily flutters.
There is an understanding amongst the group. We are fans, we get it, we just understand each other. There is no need to explain our deep appreciation for the show. We just get it. In this group you stand out more if you can't name the episode where Mulder sings the theme to Shaft.
X-Files is our language. Conversations without the show are forced and awkward. There is the occasional normal exchange of information, but for the most part we stick to our established common interest. Although it seems a little sad to not be able to carry on a conversation with Caitlin a fellow college aged Jewish writer I feel this is the one and only time in my life where I can unabashedly express my love for this show and feel normal.
As much as I am able to step outside this situation and view it for its ridiculousness I know it's very possible I'm the most excited person in this group.
Nikki a Puerto Rican from Queens sets up her PSP at one end of our long table and turns on the first movie which we watch intermittently. Throughout the Movie Erin takes pictures of the screen with her camera. She continues this during the entire two hours of the movie, even as she exclaims that "it's not like I don't have all the screen-caps for this anyway." As the all important hallway scene begins we cluster around the two inch screen and recite every line aloud with our enigmatic heroes. The smile which has floated across my face during the night becomes a fixture as we all scream in frustration at Mulder and Scully's near kiss.
It is at this point that Rebecca, a skinny white girl from Pennsylvania gets out her Mulder Scully action figures. I squeal in delight, I'd seen pictures of the toys online but never in person. The figurines are passed around the table, each person taking their turn. Most, including myself spend their time trying in vain to make their plastic faces kiss. If I had known this movie was coming out when I had moved east I would have everyone at this table beat for memorabilia, I own the Mulder and Scully Barbie Dolls. I sit at the end of the table cursing myself for leaving them with my parents. I can't describe how much I wished I could pull them out right now and truly be the most popular girl in the room. Although I don't know if the Barbie Dolls are really enough to beat out Melissa who has 1013, a long running inside joke of the show's creators tattooed on her shoulder.
An hour before the show we walk over to the theatre. I am shocked and distressed that the showing is not already sold out. It has to sell out, this movie must do well so they can make another one after this, and that one must do well so they can make another after that!
After we've settled into our seats we become restless. It's been six years and we can't seem to wait another minute. To tide ourselves over we play quotes. Someone says a quote and the quickest to name the episode "wins." Beckie and Jo are the Queens of this game, spouting quotes and answers faster than I can comprehend.
"Watch it or I'll hurt you like that beast woman."
"Jersey Devil!"
"Well I just don't know who lights my fire"
"Three of a Kind!"
I sink into my seat feeling silly for not knowing half the quotes, or knowing but not being able to answer with their episode of origin fast enough. I feel like I've come to a test without studying the source material closely enough. I wish I could be as cool as these girls. On their flight over they named all 201 episodes in order except for one in Season 2 and a few in Seasons 8 and 9.
As the theatre begins to fill up, a fellow fan dressed in a lady suit and red wig jumps up and asks "where the shippers at?" A cheer erupts in the theatre and I let out a joyful scream.
A few minutes later a couple dressed superbly as Mulder and Scully enter. They are met with a near standing ovation. A well planned costume has somehow equated to celebrity in this room as a group of people swarm the couple to take pictures with them.
My heart leaps into my throat as the lights dim. My mind can hardly comprehend that this moment has actually arrived. If my relationship with this show was sex, the past two months have been foreplay. the past two days have been the deed and the next two hours the most fulfilling orgasm of my life.
The movie itself is beyond perfection. As we discuss it on the street later I say and truly believe that there was nothing else I could have asked for. Everything I wanted was there. Not everyone in the group agrees, each person seems to have their mild disgruntlements. As the argument rises I exclaim that "all I wanted to know was are Mulder and Scully fucking, yes, yes they are. So I'm happy." I'm satisfied with myself until Erin shoots back "yeah but once I knew they were doing it I just wanted to know what positions and how often." I'm stopped in my tracks, shit I want to know all that too.
It suddenly dawns on me how I'll never be free of this show. I love it to my wits end but I sometimes hate the effect it has on me. I want to enjoy watching it but not to the point that I have a joy fueled panic attack every time I see Mulder and Scully touch. The whole time I've been in love with this show I've wanted one thing above all else to know that Mulder and Scully are in love and fucking. and now I know that. I somehow assumed that as soon as I heard Scully say "Your stubbornness is why I fell in love with you." that I would be released from the show's death grip on my life. But I'm not and never will be. To the day I die nothing will be more exciting or erotic to me than Mulder and Scully.

The 10 best ways to describe your Mulder Scully Romantic Fanfiction

2008-07-28T17:08:00.000-07:00

1.Mulder gets hurt by Big Foot, Scully and him have to hide in a cabin. Things get hot. This one's a goodie!

2. Mulder and Scully have a fight (angst!) and Mulder leaves her apartment mad (more angst!). On his way home he gets into a terrible car accident... (super angst!) Don't worry folks this one has a happy ending, if you know what I mean.

3. Mulder and Scully explore trust and control issues as they embark upon a Dominate/submissive relationship.

4. First they talk, then they don't talk.

5. Mulder and Scully have a "tickle-fest." Prepare for some serious unresolved sexual tension between our two heroes! A big treat for all you smutsters out there!

6. Scully thinks Mulder is dead, and goes through his personal belongings, finding a letter declaring his love for her. But, guess what?! He's not really dead!! Great sex in this one guys!

7. Scully drops by Mulder's apartment one evening and one thing sort of leads to another. Colonization metaphors abound. Mulder's waterbed has a cameo.

8. Mulder is out of state on assignment, and Scully is staying at his apartment to take care of his fish. As she is lounging in Mulder's bed, with his boxers in her hand, who should walk in the door...?

9. Smut! Smut! Smut!

10. A hot night. Adjoining rooms. A missing key. A rain storm. A leaky roof. One bed. Ahhh.... the simple pleasures of motel fic clichés.

I can only be me

2008-07-18T18:32:00.001-07:00

So I'm taking this humor essay writing class at UCB, taught by Julie Klausner, who is amazing if you didn't already know. She is teaching a Sketch 101 at UCB which I highly recommend you sign up for if you've been thinking about sketch or even if not. She subed a few of my sketch classes and was great! Every class is like a practice in self discipline to not gush about how much I admire her. Jean and I have called it my ultimate endeavor into self control. and thus far I think I've done very well. hurray me for not scaring people!
Anywoo I'm really loving the class, writing for it is fun, and class is great. I like hearing what everyone else has written because it's most of the time very funny and very good. It has made me think a lot about my writing though. one of the pieces I wrote I love but it wasn't exactly a humor essay it ended up being a little depressing. I posted it on here if you look back a few. I like my own writing but I'm not sure where I'm going with it. I've never though about myself as a comedian or had any real comedic aspirations. but since getting involved with UCB it's made me re-examine my career goals. I love UCB and everything with it but am I a comedian? There are people who comedy is everything they want to do, I don't think that's me.
I guess I'm waiting to find something that just feels so right I can't deny that it's what I'm meant to do with my life. I really love writing these personal essays, but doesn't it seem a little pretentious to be 20 years old and aspire to be a personal essayist. is my life really that interesting or is my writing really that good? I don't know. Since moving to New York I've been hyper aware of what people say they are. I hate hearing person after person say they are an actress or a musician, isn't everyone? But at the same time I tell everyone I'm a writer. Am I? Or do I just want to be a writer? Again I'm not sure.
The other thing about writing is I cannot ever imagine being such a successful writer that I stopped having a day job. I seriously cannot just write for writing's sake. I have to have other things, I need a little bit of pressure going on to write. Lately I've been having these day dreams of myself as a published author still working days at a coffee shop and seeing people settling down to have their coffee and they are reading my book. I've also been thinking a lot about how far my aspirations stretch. I used to want to be Julie Fucking Roberts. I wanted everyone in the world to know my name and who I am. Right now I'm so terrified by fame I don't want my mother to know who I am.
I'm totally freaked out by people knowing me if I don't know them. Even UCB people who are on Harold teams seems like to much to me. The few times I've run into UCB people in the city it's like that fame thing grabs at you. Oh my god it's Sue Galloway from the Lawfirm! aaaaah but then you step back and think how much they are just normal people. It's not Patti fucking LuPone or Naomi Watts. it's just Chris Gethard and he's probably super nice if you talk to him. uh I hate myself for the reactions I have to people. I don't want to be that person, that crazy girl outside of SNL screaming at Amy Poehler to sign her dvd. But I can't seem to help my breath catching when I realize I'm standing next to Tracy Morgan in line at the movies.
So back to my writing. this week I have to write something in character. and it's the hardest thing for me. the thing people have always told me is so great about my writing is my voice. always my voice in writing. now I have to write something that is not in my voice and for the life of my I can't. At first I wanted to write from the voice of Patti LuPone. I've been reading her blog lately and I'm obsessed with it. She is so god damn hilarious. She just spouts there ideas out of no where. I recently read an interview with her in Time Out i think it was and the interviewer described her answers as an unfiltered steam of though. So true. it's not exactly gibberish, if you think about it everything she says makes sense it's just scattered like her brain is jumping from idea to idea and she's saying each idea but not the stuff in between. So I thought it would be really fun to write a Patti LuPone blog entry for my character essay. but when I sat down to actually write something I was stuck staring at the page. I love her voice but I have no idea how to recreate it without copying. very frustrating. this is what I have so far.

Dolls,

oh boy is it hot out, hot, hot, hot. I love New York City in the summer. Nothing can beat it, you think?

This week wowieowie work, work, work. Is it work really I don't know. I love the stage you know? So yes eight shows a week is work. But I love it.

A restaurant review! Sushi Yasuda. E 43rd St Bet 2nd and 3rd. Yum, yum, yum, yummie. Dolls it was superb! I loved it. And the staff was quite nice. I am always on the lookie loo for a new great place to have Japanese food. I love it!! mmmm mmm mm. And close to the theatre! how nice!!

I've been thinking Dolls about this amazing ride I've been on Gypsy! I've been so happy to be apart of it all. I love it! Rose is such a role to experience. Grandma Rose is who I am! 59 and I'm the oldest Rose ever! What is it with these kids today! These groups come to show and maybe I can't see then up on the balcony but I hear you! Yesterday I heard the whispers during a very important moment with me and Laura. How rude! What are you doing having your parents spend all this money to take you to the theatre and then talking! I told them to spend their money else where at the curtain call.

boo I just kind of copies and tweaked specifics. Also do yourself a favor and watch this

Since when is my life a life?

2008-07-18T16:18:00.000-07:00

How do I describe how much I love youtube.

I just had to put that in.

I recently had a very good friend come to stay. Jean and I met last year in Israel and have been super BFFs since. I was thrilled when she told me she'd be coming all the way from Corvalis Oregon to visit me this summer. In same state of over zealousness we decided that the longer she stayed the better, so she booked herself for three weeks. A few days before she arrive I realized just how busy I am. Some how I've made a life, a real life for myself here in New York. An average day consists of work, class or time spent at a cafe working on something for class. and finishing it up with a show at UCB, not sleeping and then doing it all over again. Don't get me wrong I'm so glad she came but I somehow feel we would have spent more time together if she'd come for a weekend. This was less of a vacation to see me and more of a glimpse into what my life is like. And let me tell you, my life rocks. I realized how ridiculously happy I am with my life right now as I rode my bike over the Williamsburg Bridge yesterday, after staying up the whole night to see Jean off. After thinking about this for a while I wonder which is more annoying to others someone who is so happy with their life or someone who hates their life?

Something truly amazing that happened while Jean was here was the opportunity to spent money friviously on seeing Broadway shows. We saw Passing Strange, I didn't know anything about this show going in and I swear it changed my life. Sadly it is closing in a few days but if you have the chance go see it before Sunday! If not buy the album because it's the music that makes this story. Second we saw the one the only Miss Patti LuPone in Gyspy! Oh shit you guys I can't even descibe to you how much I love this show and Patti! it's so god damn amazing and Patti, oh Patti. We went to the stage door of course and I had her sign my playbill and my copy of Candide on DVD. eeek when she saw the DVD she got dare I say a little excited. le sigh it was all to amazing to comprehend. last and not least we saw Spring Awakening which I've listening to for several months. I love this show. I love the music, I love the way it's done, I love it. I did however have a few problems. Mainly with the scene between the two gay characters. When Wendla and Melchior are about to have sex it is such an important scene and it is treated as such. it's a big moment, First act finale and it's serious! then when we see two gay characters in the same situation it is played for laughs. Why didn't the gay characters get the same respect for their scene? boo Jean and I ended up getting into a huge argument about just this scene. Me saying it was disrespectful to the characters to have it staged and writen as it was and that the audience was inappropriate in their laughter. and Jean thinking that I get offended every time there is a gay character in something. although she was unable to come up with any other examples. we ended up agreeing to disagree. but still I loved the show.

the most depressing humor essay ever

2008-07-06T12:48:00.000-07:00

I arrived in New York City on a Monday morning with two suitcases, a five year old subway map and a glittering ideal of the city life through the F-R-I-E-N-D-S eyes. Two weeks later I still had no job or friends and had well worn out my welcome on my brother's ex-girlfriend's couch. With no place else to turn I 360ed it to Craigslist. The post said they could place me in an apartment in Manhattan by the end of the day. Which was true, actually everything in the post turned out to be true. I just wasn't prepared for the culture shock of Hamilton Heights.

I grew up in Bellevue, Washington. My Dad works for Microsoft, my Mom was a homemaker. My schools were 75% white, 22% Asian and 3% Other. Every step that brought me closer to West 144th ecoed in my head as a death sentence. I stuck out like a Drag Queen below the Mason-Dixon while riding the 1 uptown. Dred pumping through my veins as I buzzed into the building. A sinister red sign in the hallway declared "RATS, Let's stop them!" The only rat I'd ever seen was Tippy my brother's first grade class pet we kept for the summer. In the fourth floor hallway I could hear the banter from a Mexican Soap Opera and smell both urine and cooked onions. Breathing my last free breath I knocked on apartment 34.

Hilda a hispanic woman in her 40s opened the door. Her hair was in a bun, she wore pink camo flip flops and a towel wrapped around her body. I held my tears in as Hilda showed me through the living room with plastic on the furniture and kitchen that seemed to have more caged birds than appliances. My new room had a bed, dresser and a hot water pipe, efficiently keeping the room above 80 degrees at all time. After locking the dead bolt on the piece of ply wood used for a door I let loose every frustration I'd pent up since my ambitious relocation. Despair and a shrieking toddler lulled me to sleep that night.

I woke to much the same. Except now the two slices and coke I'd had for dinner had moved south. I tentatively opened my piece of plywood and stepped out into the hallway. Praying to anyone who would listen that I was alone I entered the bathroom. Sitting down I noticed the painting of a child bathing a dog in a tin wash basin was crooked. Actually the whole room seemed to be crooked. The floor had sunk in, slanting towards the toilet on a gradient of at least three inches.

Returning to my room I was struck with the dumbfounding question of now what? Suddenly feeling hungry I bundled up and headed out. Standing on the corner of Broadway and 145th I examined my options. Three different Fried Chicken places, a hot dog cart and McDonalds. In the week I lived in Hamilton Heights I ate as much McDonalds as I had in the previous 19 years of my life. Guilt and synthetic endorphins flowed through me as I left the chain and walked back to my new living situation. I spent the rest of the day diligently checking Craigslist for apartments in my newfound love, Brooklyn. Before I would have taken nothing less than the Island of Manhattan, but I was quickly seeing the difference a bridge can make.

A few days later it was the 22nd, Thanksgiving. Hilda woke promptly at seven to cook and listen to Salsa. Feeling like a nomad I took a train to Times Square the only place that felt familiar to me. I ended up at the 42nd Street AMC. I bought a ticket to Enchanted and stayed for Love in a Time of Cholera, August Rush and American Gangster. Sitting in an empty uptown train later that night I wondered why I'd even come to this city, because of some show I watched in middle school? What was keeping me here? Suddenly I was struck with the most enlightening sense of freedom. I don't have to stay here. If tomorrow I want to leave not a thing in the world could stop me. I could buy a plane ticket and be in Chicago or San Francisco or anywhere.

The next morning I awoke to the kitchen birds announcing the sun's arrival. I rolled over and powered up my computer. And there in my inbox was the most glorious thing I could have imagined. A response to one of the Craigslist ads I'd inquired about. Later that day I found my future abode to be less than thrilling. An enormous unfurnished room in Midwood. Not only was it to much space and to far on the train but also about $150 over my projected rent budget. I left feeling ambivalent until half way across the Manhattan Bridge when I remembered what I was going home to. I quickly text messaged my new roommate before we descended underground.

And now to the horrendous logistics of physically moving my things from North Manhattan to South Brooklyn. The next day I spent six hours riding back and forth with my suitcases in tow. Afraid to be held accountable for the room in Hilda's apartment which I had technically promised to stay in for a minimum of six weeks I tip toed out with my last load. I left a note with my set of keys, thanking Hilda for her hospitality and apologizing for disappearing.

Two weeks later as I stepped over yet another neat little pile of poo from my roommates Shitzu I wondered if i shouldn't have just stayed put.

Half way there baby!!

2008-06-29T17:34:00.000-07:00

So I am right now starting my 101 episode of the X-Files. 100 to go. amazing!! I'm very excited, although I have fallen quite behind in my schedule and Jean is coming tomorrow which means I will be watching much less. So We'll see how much I watch while Jean is here and then I'm going to literally dedicate my life to watching this show. I think once I get to Season 8-9 I'll just watch the episodes that are Mulder/Scully centric. if i'm in a time crunch. thats the stuff I really care about. Fuck Dogget's dead son.

So today after work I was riding my bike around the west village and ran into the gay pride parade. it's funny whenever I see Pride Parades I'm happy and watching and then all of a sudden I want to cry. in a good way. something about seeing really out and proud gays makes me tear up every time. I also got really depressed seeing cute lezzie couples. I want to be one of those.

My first humor essay...... first very rough draft

2008-06-28T17:43:00.000-07:00

Oh my God. Young Frankenstein the musical is having previews in Seattle. pure unadulterated childlike excitement swept through my body when I read this last June. Not only was Young Frankenstein one of my favorite movies, and musical theatre one of my obsessions but Megan Fucking Mullally would be playing Elizabeth, the character originated by Madeline Kahn. (another obsession)

I had been back living in my parent's house for two months after spending my year after high school in Israel. The only thing on my mind since getting back to the states had been, working, saving and moving to New York City. Now I had something to throw all my hard work away on. Theatre tickets.

I immediately called my high school best friend and musical theatre cohort, Kate. after barley getting the words out we continued to have a screaming match via long distance charges on my family plan. When I had calmed myself enough to type I spent $165 on two carefully selected seats for the opening night preview. And now to the hardest part, who to bestow this most gracious gift upon? much to my continual disappointment Kate was at Jesus camp until the end of August. My other friends couldn't give a damn. and although my Mom made puppy eyes at me I knew it just wouldn't be right. I wanted someone who could be just as excited as I was. Who wasn't to bashful to cry or hyperventilate at the Stage Door. Some how I was led to Anastasia, honestly the only other person I knew who would be in town. Although excited over the idea of seeing a real live broadway production for the first time I knew in my heart she didn't care like I cared.

Megan Mullally means something to be. She means more to me than just a kookie supporting character. Since I was nine years old I've clung desperately to the concept of perfect TV harmony. When I watch TV nothing bad can happen, everything has a happy ending, everyone is beautiful and everyone finds someone who loves you as much as you love them.

In high school I fell into a depression like any teen who wants to develop character and feel like you have more going on in your life than anyone ever. There was something about Will & Grace that had me at the first udderence of "who's your daddy?" Maybe it was the laugh track a sound more comforting to me than a bag of double stuff oreos being opened, maybe it was the openness of the gay characters as I was a on the verge of discovering the truth about my own sexuality maybe I'm just a sucker for anything on NBC. In a way Megan Mullally and that show were my rock during the hardest time in my life.

I requested the day of the show and the day after off from both my jobs. I'd lived with myself for 19 years and knew sleep would not be an option for at least 10 hours after seeing the show. I treated this two hour performance like I was getting ready for my wedding. I actually did hair and make up, I wore my one and only 'party' dress and topped it all off with my prom shoes, hot pink four inch pumps. I was set, I was ready like I'd never been ready before.

I picked Anastasia up from the Jewelry store she got paid to sit and read in and we headed into the city. The show was starting at eight and since I'm of the party that believes live theatre is still a big deal I insisted we arrive no later than seven-thirty. We walked into the the Paramount at seven-fourty after I spent the six blocks it took us to walk from our parking space hobbling and cursing my god-damn sexy shoes.

We were seated center stage, main floor towards the back. This is happening, oh my fucking god this is happening. In a few minutes the lights are going to dim, the curtain is going to rise and I'm going to be sitting in the same building as Megan Fucking Mullally. I used the few minutes we had before it all started to go over my well thought out plan to win Megan Mullally's love at the Stage Door.

As soon as I had bought the tickets I had begun to think about the Stage Door. I'm not sure what it is that makes us as humans so attracted to fame but whatever that baser instict is it was telling me I wanted nothing more in the world than to have Megan Mullally know who I was. Screw Sutton Foster and forget about Andrea Martin. I wanted Megan Mullally to look me in the eyes and know me.

After carful thought I realized that she must have met hoards of fans over the years and no little "I love Will & Grace " or "You're such a good singer" would do. Everyone says those things. I'm not everyone, Like I said Megan Mullally means something to be, I'm a real fan.

This is what I had come up with. thanks to another musical theatre based obsession I had watched an episode of Megan Mullally's talk show with the guest Kristen Chenoweth. both are from Oklahoma and both were disgruntled to not have their pictures up in the Oklahoma City airport along with the other half dozen famous people from that fly over. They had done a very cute little song and dance about how they were certainly famous enough to have their picture up alongside Garth Brooks and Reba McEntire it ended with Kristen Chenoweth jumping into Megan Mullally's arms and me collapsing on the floor in an adorable sensory overload.

And so my master plan to get recognized was to ask Megan Mullally whether or not she and Kristen Chenoweth actually got their pictures up in the airport.

but enough about that now, the lights are dimming. Oh my fucking god the lights are dimming. After months of a anticipation, and years of obsession I was about the see Megan Mullally live.

There is something magical to me about musical theatre. something about the singing which I can't do, or the dancing which I can't do and the acting which I think I can do but can't that make it all fantastical to me. Even more so than with TV, musical theatre makes life perfect. When the lights are down the world ceases to exist. right now there is nothing in the universe but me and Megan Mullally singing that she will keep deep love forever inside.

Before the curtain call is even over I'm heading to the door. nothing and nobody will keep me from being at the front of that crowd for the stage door. I stood with Anastasia in my god damn fucking uncomfortable shoes, our bodies pressed against the gate for nearly half an hour before anyone started to come out. We met Rodger and Sutton, Christopher and Andrea. who were all as nice as could be and seemed genuanly happy to take pictures and sign everyone's everything.

Each time that door opened my heart began to race and my breath caught in my throat. for what felt like hours the chorus and crew teased my heart and blood pressure as they left.

Then it happened. the door opened and there she was. There was Megan Mullally standing but ten feet from me. I froze like a twelve year old confronted with their parents discovery of a dirty website on their web history. I didn't know what to do. Scream, cry, jump the fence? to my own great shock I became a shining example of keeping ones cool. While my mind sprinted from episodes of Will & Grace to youtube videos of How to Succeed in Business without really trying, my exterior gave nothing more away than a smile.

When Megan Mullally finally came to me I calmly held out my playbill and sharpie.

"I love the show"
"Thank you"

And then she was moving down the line. Anastasia poked me in the ribs.

"Ask her!"

Summoning my strength and swallowing my bile I blurted above everyone else's questions

"Did you and Kristin get your pictures in the airport?"

Her pen froze mid signature and she looked up at me.

"What? Oh, uh no, not yet."

I let out the breath I'd been holding for two months. Oh my god, Megan Fucking Mullally looked at me, she talked to me. A few minutes later Anastasia and I pushed our way through the crowd and all my insanely bottled emotions spewed out. I sat down on the sidewalk and cry-laughed for a full three minutes, telling Anastasia to put the camera away while thinking how awesome this video is going to be later.

True to my word I spent the next eight to ten hours updating my facebook status with Young Frankenstein references and breathing into a paper bag after looking at promo photos of the show.

I saw the show once more in Seattle and again when I moved to New York City in November. I went to the stage door a dozen more times. Each time constructing some outlandish question to make myself stand out to Megan Mullally. She has yet to remember me to my knowledge.

i got a bike!

2008-06-24T20:14:00.000-07:00

Some High School writing

2008-06-22T19:21:00.000-07:00

So since my computer has destroyed my life and died I am now faced with the task of getting the things I DID back up, back onto my computer. I was going through the folders on my external hard drive and I found some awesome essays and stuff I wrote in high school. this first one I think is super hilarious and I have no memory or writing it or even remember the event I'm talking about.

There is one art a teen needs to master if they hope to survive one of the most horrid teen trials, the family meal, that is the art of zoning out. Zoning out can become useful in many situations but is near essential when going out to eat with the whole family. I mastered this technique one December day when I decided to come along with my Gramma, aunt, brother and three cousins to lunch. My older brother already wise in the teen art of survival had chosen to stay home. In hindsight I should have known better than to go, but we can’t turn back time. Sitting waiting for my food to come, of course the one order they messed up, I watched as my aunt tried and tried again to get her granddaughter to put a napkin on as a bib. And time after time little one year old Ella threw the napkin on the floor. This in itself is nothing odd for a young child to do, but my aunt telling her she couldn’t have her food until she puts the napkin on was working its way to the bizarre. And finally telling Ella that she knew she understood what she was saying just plain pushed it over the line of reason. Sitting confined to my chair in the middle of a chipper Apple Bee’s I felt like screaming. Screaming a good scream and also screaming at my aunt that NO the one year old is not some scheming trickster attempting to avoid her bid, but just a child who believe it or not does not understand that she must wear the bid to get her food. But as my well trained manners told me I did not indulge in this outburst and instead slipped into a zone out as my food arrived. For the next twenty minutes or so there was nothing in existence but me, my grilled cheese and my French fries. The jabbering from the table around me became a distant murmur as I continued to dip fried slices of potatoes into ketup. The key to the zone out is to have something to focus on, whether it be a meal or picking at your cuticles you have to have something to set your mind on. If all else fails I like to day dream. Now some might find it a little odd by I myself like to play back episodes of my favorite shows it my head. One second I’m bored to tears hearing about my aunt’s problems finding shoes that fit her wide foot and the next I’m giggling to myself from the memory of Joey getting a turkey stuck on his head. And with these simple tricks you my find that the family meal can be both tolerated and survived.

This I apparently wrote two months after I came back from Israel the first time. heartbreaking!

It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all… who believes this shit. I sure as hell don’t. I mean when you truly think about the concept as a whole it could seem nice. A cute idea we will call it. But for those who have lived the love and in turn lost the love know it is all bullshit. An old wives tale of sorts. It is meant to make you feel good about the world, make the shy fearless in the hopes that even if in the end they are rejected and are left with a broken heart that it wouldn’t have been better if they had never come out into the world at all.
I was in love. Four life changing months I was in love. I was with my love. With in the first days of meeting her I was in love, I felt something I had never felt before, I knew I could die so that she might live on. I was in love. I was in love with Israel. A land that filled a void I knew nothing of until then. I did not know such a whole life as I did in Israel. And when I was made to leave her my heart was broke, more so it was as if someone had reached inside my chest ripped out my heart with a dirty hand and continued to tear up it to pieces before my eyes. That is the feeling I knew as the wheels left the ground. For ten hours I cried, I sobbed, I tried to sleep and then I cried and sobbed again. For a week after I came back I cried myself to sleep each night, clutching my chest where my heart used to be, but it was now lost to me left on the other side of the world with my love. Even now two months after I lost my love I cannot bear it. At an unexpected moment a great sense of loss and loneliness will envelope me and I will collapse into tears begging that this was all a dream, that I would wake up in bed with my whole heart, that I would be home in Israel.
I quite often wonder if my life would have been better had I never fallen in love. I would not have gone through the pain of saying goodbye to my friends, missing them horribly, making new ones in many ways better than the ones I left behind and then having to leave the people who had become half my heart, and getting back only to fine the people I once thought to know me better than I knew myself were like as if they had never met me before.
And so now I am in a place I don’t want to be, with people who used to know me, I’ve left my heart across the sea and fear I shall never get it back again. Please tell me, do you think it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?

I wrote this summer before senior year I think. I had been looking forward to this classics literature class that was only available to seniors and then I went to sign up for it and found out they took that class away and replaced it with an AP lit class. so for senior year, your english choices were AP English or regular english. to say the least I was fucking pissed

When I still had the veil of innocent to cover my eyes I believed that the purpose of high school, aside from creating intriguing coming of age stories for everyone, was to learn. Four years of seven hour a day five days a week, there has to be a purpose somewhere in there right? Glossing over the class list as a freshman I was amazed and excited for all my choices, but as I actually began my classes the veil was lifted and I realized what lay behind all of Mike Riley’s colorful smoke and mirrors.
It seems that AP is now the hot new thing. Everyone should and thanks to Riley will be taking AP, whether they like it or not. The school district’s mission statement could be interpreted as motivating and encouraging, if every student was ready for such a ‘advanced’ education. Our goal is to give all students the kind of challenging education normally reserved for the top 20% of any graduating class. That means we want all Bellevue students to be either AP or IB students by the time they graduate from high school. Of course everyone can agree that pushing a student to their highest potential is best, but to be frank not everyone is up to the challenge. How can the school district expect everyone to take ‘college level’ classes when there remain to be students failing and dropping out. What person in their right mind would force a student who couldn’t pass a regular leveled class to take an AP leveled class? The expectation that ALL students should be in AP is unreasonable.

Dear. Computer

2008-06-21T20:42:00.000-07:00

Fuck You. I thought everything was going so great between us and then all of a sudden I'm getting the silent treatment. We've been together for eight and a half months and I thought you respected me enough to talk to me about our problems instead of clamming up like you have.

I tell you everything computer. You know more about me than anyone else in the world. You know about the blogs I write and don't post. You know just how many times I've watched every episode of 30 Rock, or listened to the Funny Girl soundtrack. You know every google image search I've done and just how many unanswered emails from my mom there are in my inbox.

I thought we had an understanding. I keep your battery charged, wipe off your screen and dust your keys. You keep my pictures and writing safe. You catch me when I spell deseases wrong. Without you I’m a misspelled wreck!

You're the first Mac I've been with since my 128K in the 3rd grade. That relationship was so artificial, all we ever did was play Number Munchers. We do everything together.

I was scared at first, scared we wouldn't work well together. Scared I'd never learn to right click. But I did! We bonded immediately. Just think of the hours we've spent together you, me and facebook.

Remember when we first moved to New York City? We didn't have a TV or internet or anything. We spent every second cuddled up in bed together watching old Barbra movies and taking photobooth pictures.

I thought you were going to be different because you are a Mac. I thought I wouldn't have to deal with this like I did when I was with a PC.

I need you computer! Who will tell me what the weather is going to be like or if someone answered my missed connection post.

Also it's so immature of you to do this while you know you have all of my stuff!! All I have of yours is your power cord, so try living without that! you have everything of mine inside you.

I can't imagine why you're doing this. Is this because I downloaded limewire onto you? I know I probably shouldn't have but I really wanted to listen to Joni Mitchell and you know I can't afford to get it from itunes. So I'm sorry. I promise if you just let me talk to you I'll take it off.

Is it me? This has happened to me before. The last relationship I was in had so many problems. Actually all the relationships I’ve had with PCs have been like that. at first everything is great and it’s like that first day of spring and you’re falling in love, then little things start to go wrong, and they are so small at first that you don’t even realize how bad it’s gotten until you’re explaining to your roommate that it’s not a big deal to have to reboot six times before it really works. Every time that stuff happened I put up with it because I thought our love would be stronger than their need to power off when I press the space bar. All those other times I should have seen the end coming from a mile away but I was in such denial I didn’t until it was to late. with you though it was different, you and I were perfect together. I guess I’m glad our relationship didn’t just slowly fizzle out but I don’t think going out in this blaze of a flat-lining hard drive is really the way to do it.

I hope your stay at the Genius Bar gives you time to think about what you've done to me. Please Please keep those hidden picture folders hidden. and if you could just erase the browser history before they take a look at you, I'd really appreciate it. I'd hate to have to have an awkward conversation with the tech guy when he realizes I'm the girl with the folder of Mulder and Scully erotic fanfiction.

I feel like I worked so hard to be with you. Last summer I had two jobs so we could meet and move to New York City together. I though you wanted to be with me as much as I wanted to be with you.

You know me so well. You don’t judge me when I want IMDB to be my homepage. You can anticipate me so well that halfway through typing in pattilupone.net you can finish it for me. You protect me so well I never ever get pop ups when I’m online.

We’ve never even been in a fight before. Is that a problem? I guess it’s supposed to be healthy to fight sometimes. If you had a problem you could have told me! I would have done something. I can change! Just please don’t do this to me now!

What happened to our pact? We were going to watch every episode of the X-Files before the new movie came out. Now I’m suppose to watch alone?

I don’t want things to end like this between us Computer. I haven’t given up on you. I know you’ll come around and we can be together again, or at least be friends. I’ll get you that harddrive upgrade you’ve been wanting! 200GB! I promise! And we could even look at getting leopard together, if that’s what you want. Just don’t give up on me because I’ll never give up on you.

Love

Emily

PS. At the very least I would like my X-Files DVD Season 4 Disk three back. As you know there are still two episodes on that disk I haven’t re-watched yet and you know I won’t go on to the others until I see these ones.

Hating what you are

2008-06-17T18:52:00.000-07:00

Today I had this crazy revelation, that in a way I am something I hate every much. or not so much hate but am afraid of I guess. Since moving to NYC I've found people obsessed with celebrities to be weird and not cool but that is so what I'm all about. For instance, crazy SNL girl. when Adam and I went to the Tina Fey episode of SNL we met this girl in line who I've since been referring to as crazy girl or crazy SNL girl. basically she is this girl who goes stand by to SNL every episode. that's waiting in line about 14-16 hours every time there is an episode. and she goes to Asssscat every week. which isn't that weird because I do it too. haha. Overall you'd think she was a pretty normal fan, for a while I actually thought she was really cool because she knew all the 30 rock references I made and was really into movies and tv and stuff. but it was these little side comments you could almost miss that made her really seem crazy. for example she was telling us about how you can go after the show is over and wait for the cast to come out and get pictures with them and such. of course she goes every time. she said it was cool to see everyone and have them see you and say things like "oh hey it's you again" therefore implying that she has come to the stage door so to speak of SNL enough times for the cast to know who she is. in some ways I was a little jealous, she Amy Poehler knows who she is, how cool. but them I thought about it more. this girls looooooves SNL and wants to be in the cast someday. but wouldn't it be a little weird to go on an audition at SNL and have people recognize you as that crazy girl who comes to see the show every week.

I guess it goes along with this whole insider, outsider thing I've been thinking about in regards to SNL, UCB and entertainment in general. right now crazy girl is a fan, a crazy fan. she is the ultimate outsider. to be an insider you have to pretend that things that are important to you are not so important. You can love SNL but you can't LOVE SNL. you just can't come on to strong because that's creepy.

Since meeting this girl I have unashamedly looked down on her, today for some reason was the first time I really remembered what I was like only a few months ago before I moved to NYC. I was that girl. over the summer when Young Frankenstein was in Seattle I went to the stage door to see Megan Mullally about a dozen times without seeing the show. something in my brain wanted her to know me and remember me so badly. I worked out this whole plan to get her to notice me by asking her slightly strange questions. I asked her weird shit that I didn't really care about but was such a obscure reference to something she said in some interview whenever ago. My plan was foiled and she never remembered me. at the time I was super upset. but now I'm glad, shit I don't want her to remember me as that girl who came to the stage door 16 times and asked her about a costume change she made in a show over a decade ago that I only even saw thanks to youtube. oy.

I feel like I'm in such a weird place whereas I'm terrified by fame and can't imagine having people know me if I didn't know them but at the same time I spend hours and hours facebook stalking and googling people I find interesting or who I admire. I actually have a chance to know Julie Klausner in a normal capacity. I'm trying my damnedest to be nonchalant and not come on to hard or anything. even when I'm able to sent a completely normal email to her I then spent an hour on her website. but for the love of god I don't want her to know that. I don't want her to know I've seen all her shows in the last two months. or that I've been reading her blog religiously, even going back to posts from two years ago. I don't want her to know that I freaked out when she came into my cafe a few weeks ago to get coffee and that I stared at her from across the room the whole time she was there.

I am exactly the kind of person I think is weird and creepy and would probably have a mental break down if I had someone like me following me. I don't really know what to do now really knowing this. I don't think anything can stop me from reading Julie's blog or googling Amy Poehler ever other day.

thanks for nothing cRaZy BlInD dAtEs

2008-06-16T22:55:00.000-07:00

I went on a blind date! doesn't that sound exciting? but it wasn't, what the fuck. the more i think about it i think the more I'm getting annoyed. I literally signed up with a website called crazyblinddates.com and then went on a super boring date. it wasn't even that it was boring it was just indifferent? i guess. i didn't dislike the girl but i didn't like her either. it was so blahzay. we talked about tv the whole time, which you'd think in my book would mean get in my pants right now but for some reason it was just bleh. I had all these visions of either falling in love and finding my soul mate, that would be a CRAZY blind date. or having it be just horrible and CrAzY and I'd have this really amazing story to tell people. but not I have neither. I guess there might be a story in that I went on a super normal boring date thanks to a website that claims the craziest dates.

on another note i dont even think my date was gay. bummer. she said she signed up with the site to make friends. boo straight girls. why would you sign up with fucking crazyblinddates.com to meet friends?? we exchanged numbers and she wants to go out again. I don't know. I guess I don't want to go because it was uneventful and I do want to go because I have nothing to lose and time on my hands.

Why I would not survive a action movie

2008-06-14T19:23:00.000-07:00

So I'm watching the lost world. which is with out a doubt one of the greatest movies ever! It has everything amazing in it, julianne moore, jeff goldbloom, that russian guy from Armageddon, a fiesty little black kid, dinosaurs. what more could you ask for? very seriously I cannot think of a single thing that could improve this movie, it is perfect in every way. also made me think about how quickly I would die in this movie and most others. for instance the scene when Julianne, jeff and vince are in the rv hanging over the cliff and they have to climb back up on that rope. i have zero upper body strength, so dead. other movies that come to mind, anything with zombies I would die probably because I'm not much of a runner or fighter in general. I guess it makes me think I should start working out so I'll be ready when I need to outrun a giant anaconda.

In Review

2008-06-06T19:09:00.001-07:00

I am fully aware that the X-Files has and will continue to take over and control my life for the next 48 days. right now I'm on the last episode of the first season. woo. I was just browsing through some shipper pix on a facebook group and it reminded me of how awesome season 6-7 are. i think those two seasons are really the best. Season one is great because you get to see the beginning of the relationship between Mulder and Scully. It's fun to go back and see the flirtyness they had, or that Mulder had to Scully in later seasons in my opinion he toned down the flirt because he had real feelings for her. It's also interesting to watch Scully get dedicated. Jersey Devil, the 5th episode of the 1st season has a truly defining moment, at the end Scully blows off a second date she has with a guy she likes to go with Mulder on an interview she doesnt think matters at all. In a way it's sad because this one date she blows off ends up being all dates she blows off for the basically the whole series. but it's also exciting to see her become dedicated to Mulder. I think it also shows how through most of the series she is a non-believer but she believes in Mulder. le sigh

After writing all that I'm thinking about how nerdy I am, really, really I'm spending all this time analyzing a fictional relationship. oh man. I have always been attracted to those tv relationships with the two characters who love each other but can't get it together to admit it to each other. something about that drives me crazy every time. Lois and Clarke, Mulder and Scully, Booth and Bones. After much thought over the last 5-6 years of my X-Files obsession I think I know why I'm so attracted to this kind of relationship. I get crushes on people ALL THE TIME. and 9 times out of 10 I'm way to scared to say anything about it to the person I like. I'd say 100% fear of rejection. so the thought that there is someone i know who could be madly in love with me and I just don't know it. or that someone I'm madly in love with is madly in love with me back drives me nutzo. wouldn't it have been amazing if those few times I put myself out there and told my feelings like they are that the person I liked could have reciprocated the feelings. If that had happened I would not be the person I am today. That rejection I faced two times namely in high school have completely defined how I approach relationships, or lack there of. I am terrified of rejection. however right now I'm so desperate for a real relationship I think I'm more than ready to face my fears.

phew did that feel like therapy or what

awkwardness is the story of my life

2008-06-05T21:19:00.000-07:00

seriously I cannot stop being awkward. today started out great. Sarah, Katlin and I all needed to do laundry, so we had some quality roomie time doing that. then we ate pancakes that i made from scratch while watching Top Chef. perfect morning anyone?

the awkwardness began when i sat down in sketch class. i knew we were going to have a sub today and we were told it would be Ari. but then in walks Julie Klausner, who I just so happen to fucking love and admire and look up to as a funny lady. Check out this fucking hilarious video that she wrote.

also check out these

so that puts me on edge just thinking about how Julie fucking Klausner is going to be reading my sketch. also i was immediately upset because i knew i could only stay for an hour because i had a staff meeting at work to go to, arg. reading my sketch was great. for the first time in this class i felt like someone got my stuff, got my humor. my usual teacher is Charlie Sanders, don't get me wrong I think Charlie is a hilarious improvisor, but frankly he's a terrible teacher. I could go on and on about his flaws as a teacher. some stuff i didn't like about him because I felt like he didn't get me. Charlie has a very dude kind of humor. all the examples of sketches we watched in class were either Phil Hartman or Chris Farley. both of whom i find funny but seriously. and it's not really his fault that he didn't get all my SATC jokes but he made me feel like i wasn't funny because he didn't get my stuff. Every week i would go into class thinking ok i have a some good ideas in my sketch or i have a good start to a sketch but i'm just learning this stuff, this is the first time i've written sketches like this. so i want notes i want to know how to take my sketch from ok or just a good idea to a hilarious well rounded sketch. everyweek besides this one i walked out of class feeling like I'm not funny. why am I doing this. I should just give up right now. nothing I write is any good and there is no way to save what i've got. that is how Charlie Sanders makes me feel about my own writing, what the fuck. ew i've already gone on alot more than i wanted to be blog venting about this.

anyway class with Julie was amazing! she had such good feedback, and ideas. and like i said she just got my stuff. the sketch I wrote was basically a fake news show mixing E! Fashion Police and CNN presidential candidate coverage. most of my jokes were fashion related, or E! related. I know 100% if Charlie had read my sketch he would have had little or nothing to say about it simply because he doesn't know who I'm talking about. I had a joke about Chelsea Handler, why would Charlie even know who she is, Julie thought it was a great joke, also thinks i'm probably the first person to write Chelsea Handler into a sketch. another crazy weird thing is I had a joke in my sketch about someone wearing a Cats the Musical sweatshirt, while I was writing my sketch and I was describing this character I was also reading Julie's blog. she had just posted about this video she saw about a woman who was obsessed with Cats the musical. so i though ok Cats the musical sweatshirt, hilarious! How crazy is that Julie inspired a joke in my sketch and then read the sketch AND she laughed out loud at that joke!!!! my mind is officially blown.

moral of the story is I love Julie Klausner, and I don't like Charlie Sanders as a sketch teacher both technically and personally

On to my second awkwardness of the day. Staff meeting. bleh. I'm friendly with my co-workers but i'm not friends with anyone. which I'm ok with most of the time except in things like this because majority of the people who work at Think are really good friends with each other. so the meeting was really boring and afterwards they get out a keg and it's party time. uuuug I literally stayed for about 15 minutes and the only reason i even stayed that long was because for my storytelling class i was suppose to do something unusual for me, so work party is for sure unusual for me. how did i spent my 15 minutes you might be wondering. bathroom, three hi how are you conversations, one hi we've never met introduction and lots and lots of me pretending to text message.

story of my life

Scully how I love thee

2008-06-01T08:34:00.000-07:00

So deciding to watch the entire series of X-Files again was the best decision EVER! Right now I've watched the Pilot and I'm about half way through the second episode and I've been thinking a lot about the characters. In these first few episodes Scully and Mulder's relationship is a little more flirtatous, just very relaxed I guess. they joke with each other and Scully actually smiles. Now I'm really curious to find out when it was Scully stopped smiling. because from what I remember of the series Scully is always very serious and get to business and she never smiles. I'm going to guess that it all changes after her abduction. I think that being involved with the X-Files really kind of ruined Scully's life, or the life that she had before the X-Files. She had ambitions and she wanted to get married and have kids and all that with a normal life. but once she gets personally invested in the X-Files no matter how much it changed the life she thought she was going to have she can't leave. I think up until her abduction she would have left if the opportunity presented itself.

Also I've notices just how much Mulder gets to see and Scully doesn't just in the first two episodes Mulder sees like three UFOs and Scully walks out just in time to miss it. Of course Scully can't see them because the show wouldn't work if they were both believers. You have to have the skeptic and the believer. For so long Scully fights believing in aliens and all that but she believes in Mulder. and even when she does start to believe it's like she doesn't want to believe.

X-Files I Want to Believe

2008-05-31T22:52:00.000-07:00

I cannot even begin to explain how much I want to see the new X-Files movie. Seriously I think I'm going to be forced to kill myself after I see this movie because there is nothing else that can complete my life like this movie does. I fucking love the X-Files. I love everything about it! I have X-Files posters, I read X-Files fanfic (mostly the dirty stuff), I have an X-Files lunch box (which I actually used for about two years in high school), I even have X-File Barbie dolls. oh yes it's true. and yes I did take their clothes off and play making them have sex, for nostalgia... riiiiight. oh my god I love this show. so the newest movie is coming out July 25th, thats 53 days, 21 hours, 59 minutes from right now. I have just now decided to rewatch every episode and the first movie before I see the new movie. and I will be seeing the new movie at midnight when it comes out. So in order to reach this goal I'm going to need to watch 3.7 episodes a day. wooo let's do this shit!

Pro-Anas, What the fuck england?

2008-05-29T00:15:00.000-07:00

So I'm watching the most disturbing documentary ever! I was watching intervention on youtube and stumbled upon this british documentary called Dying to be Anorexic. basically it's about this new internet movement that is pro-anorexics. their moto is anorexia as a lifstyle not a disease. first off what the fuck to that. obviously it's a disease. obviously there is something wrong with you if you're eating less than 100 calories a day. what was even more fucked was when they were introducting the girls in the show it was like "this is helen she has a long history of anorexia and mental disorders" !!!!!!! hello! i get that a documentary is not nessesarily suppose to interfere and that the point of this show was to just give these girls a voice to share their opinion, i guess. but to me it's like if someone wanted to voice the opinion of a pedophile someone would step in and stop them right? how can these girls say they don't have an eating disorder but at the same time admit that they have been mentally unstable in the past. one of the girls on the show is 17!! and her parents are doing nothing about her problem. it's like they are saying they want to give her freedom but seriously it's time to step in and do something.

this is horrible!! now it's getting into this clinic that is specifically for children with anorexia. the woman running the place says the number one priority is to get them to gain weight, and that's more important than dealing with the mental issues first. ok i could understand if the child was at a critical weight but feeding an anorexic will do nothing for them in the long run. you have to correct the behavioral problem or they will just go back to it again and again.

aaaah why am i watching this? england is a terrible place. this is horrifying.

So tonight I went to Nights of Our Lives, of course. it was amazing! probably the best one i've seen yet. it did make me think though there is that old thing about comedians being damaged in some way and developing a sense of humor as a result and so on. not that i necessarily want to be a comedian but in a funny way it makes me think i had to much of a normal childhood. this sounds crazy but in a weird little way i'm like ok guess i can't be a comedian since i wasn't seriously fucked up as a child. although now that i really really think about it i've had my share of experiences. but eh i dont know just something i've been thinking about

coming out, again and again and again

2008-05-24T22:02:00.000-07:00

So I'm watching the gay episode of 30 Days, the morgan spurlock show. the first time I saw this episode I ended up showing it to my parents and then coming out to them. I've been thinking a lot lately about how I'll never be done coming out. Because I'm not so flamming that people can tell when they meet me. I always have to come out to people. I guess after I came out to my parents I kind of felt like awesome guess I'm done with that. but no I'm not. I'll never be done coming out. Coming out can be so awkward even if the people you're coming out to are cool with it and you know they are going to be cool with it, it's still awkward. because what is the response. uh ok cool. that's about it. I guess I am awkward in most things and coming out is not exception. Sometimes I just wish people could just know right away.

goodbye Amy?

2008-05-17T23:13:00.000-07:00

I just finished watching the season finale of SNL and i guess i have some mixed feelings. I love snl, i mean i really love that show. even when the sketches are bad and they are just in a slump I dont care I wont miss watching it every week. I remember this one time in middle school i think it was. I was at someone's house for a party. it must have been through the temple because i guess i didn't know very many people there. i remember everyone else was listening to music and dancing, i was sitting on the couch in the mists of everything watching snl. I was really annoyed at everyone for talking and having the music so loud because i couldnt hear the tv. buzz kill right? I feel like i've grown up with snl. it's one of those shows that i've watched regularly for ten years. I was so sad watching this last episode of the season, simply because it was the end of the season and i love watching the show but also i've heard that it's Amy Poehler's last season. I was feeling really upset thinking about not having Amy on the show anymore, and i realized that she is the last of the snl ladies that i grew up with on the show. i started watching the show consistently in high school right when Amy, Tina, Rachel and Maya were getting on the show. they have been my female comedy role models, they still are in a big way but it just feels like the end of an era. not to mention without Amy it's just Kristin and Casey. it's the eternal battle of the sexes in comedy. snl is such a sausage fest sometimes it drives me crazy. I get really frustrated with the show sometimes because with some of the sketches they do i know they can do better. like tonight for example i didnt like any of the sketches but the digital short was to die for. i know the people on the show writers and performers are all hilarious people but sometimes i think they get lazy.

lonely, oh so lonely

2008-05-16T23:30:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about the communities i belong too. In high school I really had the three communities I needed. Theatre, Jews and Gays. Then on Year Course I had just jews. and now I have just theatre...ish. It sucks frankly. I want all three. I have one or two Jewish friends in New York but I don't do anything Jewish. The most Jewish thing I've done in the last 10 months is seeing Ronna and Beverly at UCB. It really depressed me to miss all the holidays. and it REALLY sucks to not be connected to the gay community, not only am I not old enough to go to the lesie bars but even if and when I am who is going to want to be my wing man? How am I suppose to meet girls???

conform!

2008-05-16T23:19:00.001-07:00

everyone else was doing it so i made a blog